Life Lessons for Women ~ 7 essential ingredients for a Balanced Life

The Love Letter ~

Wow, write yourself a love letter. I have never had a love letter written to me. My younger son writes me little notes telling me how much he loves me and how wonderfully awesome his mommy is - yes that would can't as a love letter. Ok, close my eyes and see myself as the most glorious person in the world - really. Honestly, I would not want to be the ultimate beloved but I do get the point of what the writer is saying. We are to see ourselves as Jesus see's us and how other's see us.

When I close my eyes I see the love my boys have for me, how my friends look at me and how Jesus sees me as his precious jewel. Beleive me, it has taken a lot of work for me to get to this point.

Imagine going to your mailbox and pulling the pile of mail out finding a love letter. The thought of a love letter in my mail box warms my heart with much joy. What are you waiting for? I can already feel the warm fuzzies.

Find a comfy place to rest, brew yourself a cup of coffee or a favorite tea, grab a special piece of paper and a favorite pen, put on some soothing music, and begin writting yourself a love letter.

Talk about your special features like your eyes sparkle when the sun touches your face, your heart is warmed when your children love on you, etc....

Many of us ladies have made the same comment sometime in our life as this one "Most of you long for something more - more time, more money, more friends, a better relationship with your spouse or family. How many times have you heard yourself say, "I wish I had more time for myself"? "This stress is killing me." "I have to exercise and get in better shape." "I want my life to be more fun." "How am I going to make ends meet?" "Where has the day gone? I feel like I haven't gotten anything done!""

Take a look back over your life - not with a critical eye but look where you were and where you are now today. Ask yourself the following questions - What do I love? What are my core values and beliefs? What are my own needs and desires? How can I create a life that fits exactly who I am now, not who I've been?

It's time ladies to write yourself a love letter. I will be back on Friday with my letter to share. Be kind to yourself and love yourself as Jesus loves you. God bless you all!

Psalms 37:4 ~ The desires God placed in your heart were put there for a reason, they reveal the secret of who you really are and the life you are meant to live.

I have attached a link of relaxing music

Life Lessons for Women ~ 7 essential ingredients for a Balanced Life

November 8, 2010

Finally watched Julie & Julia this weekend ~ if feel so inspired to do something now. My heart desire is to lead women into freedom. There are many women who live in a lifetime of bondage ~ God does not want that for us. Romans 6:22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.

Over the past couple of years I have received freedom from a life time of bondage. I now am free and I feel Gods love in my life everyday. There is such a relief and freedom knowing that I no longer am hanging on to all that was done against me or the sins that I have committed.

Why wait for that group to be gathered together ~ why not reach out to women now ~ So here I am reaching out to all you women who have suffered a lifetime of bondage and you are stuck in it wanting so badly to be released from it only to live a life of freedom as God intended you to live.

I have started reading Life Lessons for Women ~ 7 essential ingredients for a balanced life by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T. “Life Lessons for Women is the first book in a new line of Chicken Soup books. It is a true self-help book”. Find a book and read along with me. I will post the Life lessons after each study. We can talk about the study and post our answers to the life lessons. I will post my answers – if you do not feel comfortable in doing so that is alright. I do encourage you to do the work as this will open the door to freedom in your life.

The first Essential Ingredient is ~ Re-Collect Yourself
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
Lucille Ball

Our first lesson is “The Love Letter”

Today is Monday November 8, 2010 – I will give you time to find a book. For those of you who are joining late that is great - jump right in. On Wednesday November 10, 2010 I will post the first life lesson assignment. I look forward to going on this journey with all you women. May God enrich and bless your way

Tyler

Good morning all ~ it’s been awhile since I last posted. Summer went by fast and now that school has started we are approaching into the holiday season already. Wait ~ why is time going too fast? My older son Tyler turned 18 on October 25 – I cannot believe that he is an adult now. I still remember so clearly when he was two in his red corduroys with a cream sweater outside helping mom rake up the leaves. He was so sweat and innocent then and now he thinks that he knows all.

The boys and I have had a rough start in life. But now, we are tracking on the right safe path only to live the life that God has intended for us to live. Sure my son Tyler has done some things this past summer that I am not proud of. However, I am proud of him for listening to all that I had spoken into his life. Slowly but surely he is coming around.

One thing that I have learned with Tyler is that he is an individual who wants so badly to know who he is and what his purpose is. I thank God for giving me the words to speak into Tyler’s life and then to step back only to watch the seeds that were planted grow. Yes, Tyler maybe a late bloomer in his walk with God as many other people were too. God does have a plan for Tyler!
Deuteronomy 6:6-7, 18
These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up....Do what is right and good in the LORD's sight, so that it may go well with you and you may go in and take over the good land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers,
In our home there is always an open door. My kids know that no matter what they can always talk to me about anything. I will not yell at them. I may take a deep breath; pray will quick for God’s guidance in the conversation. After our talks the boys feel better now then they did before. Tyler now comes to me all the time when he feels something around him that should not be there. After we are done praying Tyler feels comfortable and safe knowing that God is near and will never leave us. Psalms 3:3 ~ But you, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.

Oh there is still so much more work to be done as there is with all of us. God’s work is never completed in us until we see him face to face.

Now these days there is a difference in my relationship with Tyler. Yes, I am still his mother – but there is more of an adult inner reaction then there is a child like reaction. Before this year came I was feeling sad that he was growing up and would no longer need me. I now know that a child will always need there parents. We are here to equip them; listen to them; lead them into the right direction; step aside and let go; and love them, for which this never ends as long as we are here on the earth. My job now is to listen, pray, and help him along the way when he asks for help. Sure there will be time when I need to intervene. It has been hard to let go but God has given me peace and rest knowing that he is in control.

Being a single mother can be overwhelming raising two teenage kids

It has been awhile since I last wrote. Been going through many different valley's trying to figure out how I am going to get through this all. One thing forsure that I have learned is that I will get through this all with God guiding my way.

Raising my boys as teens has shed new light into my world. Growing up in a dsyfunctional home I did t have a normal childhood, such as be a kid - a little girl who had girlfriends and did what girlfriends do best - like shopping, sleepovers, laughing, talking about boys, hanging out, and talking on the phone. Nope I took care of my bother and sister instead and those nights when mom would arrive home drunk I took care of her. When I was not taking care of them - I spent my time in my room fearful wondering when my mom or stepdad were going to explode.

The reason that I am telling you this is - I have reached a new layer in life to work through. Every since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mommy so bad. I wanted to show my kids how much I loved them and how much I cherished them. By no means did I want to raise my kids in an environment as I had grown up in. Unfortuntly, I married my mother three times and my boys grew up in a unhealthy home.

Now that all the unhealthyness has been removed and I have been healed - I can now focus on healing my boys. My boys now can be boys and find out who they are without someone telling who they are or what they should be. My boys can become the children/teenagers that christ entended them to be. However, the one thing that I have and still am learning is how to let them have their freedom. My prayer has been (especailly for my older son) is that I have given him/them both over to God to fill them, protect them, guide them to become the young men he has created them to be. I have prayed for the right words to speak into their lives.

I have always been the type of parent that needs to know were my kids are at all times. This is to ensure that my boys are safe and staying out of trouble.I have learned that with my older son he is going to make his own decisions and that I need to let him do that as I have raised him to know right from wrong. When he makes the wrong choices he will need to face God and ask for forgiveness.

As my oldest is reaching upon adulthood (turning 18) he is pushing the limits and I am feeling left out/behind. This is such a huge area for me due to the fact I never had the freedom like he does. I am learning to lean more on God through this time and ask for grace and wisdom in my sons life. I need for God to give me the right words to speak into my sons life when he has done wrong. Everyday God has given me grace and wisdom. Without God in control we all would be lost.

Until next time - stay safe and no that God is always in control, he just wants us to lean on him.

Finally putting my book together

Here is a sneak peak ~ stay tuned for updated info


Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, fro darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knot me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one to them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.





Introduction

Psalm 139 has given me new meaning; God really does know everything about me before I was even born. God was there the day I was born with open arms unlike my mom. When I need to be loved God showed me love unlike my mom. God has been through every valley that I have encountered thus far.

Here you will hear my story – I grew up in an alcohol abusive home that consisted of daily verbal, physical, and sexual abuse I made it out alive but broken inside. Living this and breathing this life brought me into three unhealthy, alcoholic, abusive marriages.

After my third marriage I realized that enough is enough. I am worth much more and deserve much more as my two precious sons do too.

My desire this past year has been to know Gods love for me and to be healed. God, help me be honest with myself. Show me what has been broken so that I can be free from this long life of bondage.

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free
John 8:32

Victories

This past year has been so healing. God provided me with a better paying job, buy a car of my dreams, taken me through many healing encounters, given me the tools to teach my boys the importance of healing, given me visions, shown me exactly how far the East is from the West, and how to embrace my new life.

For the first time I feel alive and happy. There is so much peace within me. I have taught my boys the importance of journaling and how safe it is to write everything down. Last week my younger son came to me with a piece of paper in hand all folded up. He asked if we could burn his letter. The reason for the burning is to completely release what ever it is that you wrote so that know one else knows but you and God. This is freeing. You are no longer bottling up what is bothering you. As a mother I wanted to know what he wrote down to help him through but he did not want to tell me. I asked for a moment and walked away to prayer for strength and for the right words to speak to him. Once I came back, we walked to the fireplace, said a prayer and burned his paper. This was safe for him.

Took my boys to the Rock & Worship Roadshow last Friday. It was amazing. There was this father with his boys who sat four rows ahead of us. This dad was really getting into the music and dancing with his boys. The boys also shared time on the dads shoulders. What a precious sight to see. However, this was a grieving moment for my older son. My older son's dad is an alcoholic and has chosen his drinking over Tyler all of his life. Tyler and his dad recently had a major falling out, which left Tyler telling his dad to never call him again and to stay out of his life. As we were driving home from the Rock & Worship Roadshow, Tyler told me that this was really hard for him watching the dad ahead of us loving his boys. Tyler has finally started grieving the loss of his dad, the loss of that father love that he has never received. A few nights ago, Tyler told me that he has been praying and talking with God a lot and that God told him that he is his father and that he loves him very much. This was different for Tyler but he has accepted it because he is craving that fatherly love - Thank you Jesus.

I gave my testimony a few weeks back (we recorded it first and it was presented last Sunday in church). I was approached by a church member telling me that my story touched both her and her husband closely as they too have experienced some of the pain as I have. I did not realize that my testimony was being shown. As I was sitting there in first service watching my testimony I had a vision of me sitting on Jesus lap as a little girl watching the ending of my story. Yes, it was the ending (it is over) and now I am in a new beginning. God has an awesome plan for me and I am looking forward to my new life.

God has shown me so much love this past year. For the first time I am realizing and feeling real love.

Journey after Troy

JOURNEY AFTER TROY
Wow, the past nine months have been filled with many moments of freedom. Once Troy moved out we had a plan to work on reconciling our marriage. We both started Celebrate Recovery at Capital Christian Center. At first I did it to support Troy as I am not the one who had a drug or alcohol problem. Little did I know that celebrate recovery was much more than that. As I progressed in the program Troy soon realized that he was loosing control therefore quit the program and our marriage. For the first time I truly realized that I deserved much more. My boys deserve more. Reconciling the marriage was not going Troy’s way therefore there was nothing to reconcile anymore. I was not willing to have him back in the home with the boys and I to continue living the way we have for the past seven years. Enough is enough.
Troy quit Celebrate Recovery and quit coming to Capital Christian Center. That’s fine, I am moving on in my recovery. There is nothing holding me back. Troy decided to go to another church. For the first time I really let go as I needed to for my recovery in Codependency. Yes, I gained a title. Codependency was like those flashing lights over my head. I wanted to burn out every light bulb learning how to conquer codependency.
Realizing that my marriage was over was hard as this was the third one. There was so much shame, guilt, hopelessness, regret, and let down. I felt like I had failed my boys again. I brought yet another man into our life and allowed him to steal and destroy each one of us over a seven year period.
I knew that things were not going to be easy but I was ready for the challenge. Money was going to be really tight but I was not going to allow it to control me. One way or another God has provided and met all our needs.
I had friends come up along side of me telling me that everything was going to be alright. It is time to take care of you and your boys. A dear friend told me that, “a year from now you will look back and see what God has done in your life.” You will be amazed at how true that statement has been.
As Troy continued to try to control my life I continued in the Celebrate Recovery program. Those six months in Celebrate Recovery was just the beginning of my healing. For the first time in my life I new that “Enough was Enough”. No more would anyone come in and destroy my boys or me. It was time for God to take hold of me and move those mountains away that I have been going around and around for years. The light bulbs on my title “Codependency” were going out. Healing within me has begun – oh but this was just the beginning.
The summer was very humbling. My neighbors were there to help me in a time of need with food, keeping my car running and when I needed a hug. A car was given to me as my other car was neither safe nor reliable. Money was really tight. I humbled myself by going to the food banks in order to put food on the table for the boys. This was huge as I needed to reach out for help knowing that I could not provide for my boys but that God could and he did.
Celebrate Recovery came to a close in September when I graduated. Now it was time for the next step. I had no clue what God had in store for me. Continued going to church every weekend being feed each time. One Sunday my car broke down – was not good news. It was going to cost too much money to fix the car – money that I did not have. The boys said, “Mom lets just buy a car.” I began to pray – God did find us a car (even my dream car). How I was going to pay for this I had no clue. Each month God gives me the money to make my car payment. I love my car.
My divorce was finalized in November. God opened up another door for me – new job with Scentsy in the Finance department. This was a huge step of faith for me as the company was just creating a position for me. The reason for this was because I was looking at taking on a second job. I did not want to leave my children at home at night as we all were in this journey together of healing. The lady that I bought Scentsy from co-owns Scentsy with her husband Orville. Orville and Heidi listened to my story and were lead to help me with my needs and wants. I did not want to leave my children at night. Therefore, Orville and Heidi provided a way for me to work for them at Scentsy by matching what I made at St. Luke’s Hospital and what I would have made part time at Shopco. My hopes are in the next year that I will begin to catch things up that were behind. Begin to pay my bills on time, work on the ones that are old and begin to build a savings for those unexpected expenses that appear.
November, I started my new job at Scentsy and Life’s Healing Choice small group. I am so thankful for the opportunity that I have with Scentsy in the finance department. God knew I was struggling and needed a break. A few weeks before getting the job at Scentsy I was really struggling financially. God has met all our needs but it still seemed scary. I prayed to God saying that I know that you love me and yet I need to see how much you love me. I need to feel your love as I have never felt love before besides my boys. God showed me his love and has not stopped showing me since. My finances started to fall all in place.
Life’s Healing Choices small group has been amazing. I have seen areas that I am being healed in that I thought would never be healed. God is so amazing how he takes each step with us and allows us to hurt but heal at the same time. I have been given many visions this past year. I have seen that my son Tyler will be a Godly man with three beautiful children who look up to him with so much love in there eyes – something that I did not have as a child. I have seen the little girl in me blossom with Jesus. This little girl in me knows that Jesus loves her so much and always has.
Chapter four in Life’s Healing Choices – that evening in small group tears came and came. There was something that I had to put on my inventory list that I had not shared with before. I knew that I had to share with my leader as she was my accountability partner from Celebrate Recovery. Towards the end of class God showed me as a little girl with a white ribbon in my hair, a white dress with white socks and shoes standing next to Jesus hold my hand. Wow – Jesus really looks at me as pure – I am white as snow as he washes away all my sins and hurts. God will never leave me nor forsake me. I now understanding the love that he has for me. The following weekend at church was the Catalyst conference at church, during worship time I had another moment of God’s unfailing love. Singing the song “White as Snow”, God showed me that every time that I was being hurt that he was right there by my side and then held me that night comforting me. Tears poured out as I realized that he has been with me all along.
God’s love is so real in me forever. Now I am teaching the boys all about journaling. I am looking forward to more healing in the months to come.

Love letter to myself

Love letter to self
I am reading a book by Chicken Soup for the Soul – Life Lessons for Women. One of the stories that caught my spirit was the love letter. When you think of a love letter it is a letter that we write to someone else explaining why we love him/her. In this story I am instructed to write a love letter to myself. This has taken me a week to think about how to do this and were do I begin. So, the past week I have been thinking and this is what I have come up with.
Growing up in a dysfunctional home for 18 years I was told that I was not pretty, I was fat, that I would never amount to anything, I was selfish, a bitch, whore, and a slut. What little my mom new was that I was an amazing daughter that God created. Thank goodness God has his angels around me and protect my mind from completely believing what my mom was speaking into me everyday. I did not feel pretty and I was not fat but I believe that I was because of the lie my mom spoke into me. Today I believe that I am over weight, which has been a struggle for me and this too I will conquer. My mom had it made with me. I helped take care of the house when she was absent. I took care of my brother and sister and put mom to bed when she arrived home wasted. In the mornings, I made sure that my brother and sister were awake and ready for school. Breakfast was made and lunches were packed. If we missed the bus I would make sure that we had a ride to school from someone else so that we did not disturb my mom. If she only new how many times we missed the bus, it was rare.
Comes my adult years and I am still taking care of everyone else but myself. My first marriage I did not dress up at all. I wore clothes that were bigger than me to cover me up as I felt fat. My husband did not want me to wear flattering clothes as it kept other men from looking at me. If I worked, I came straight home to attend to all his needs and he continued to ignore me. His drinking was more important along with flirting with other women.
My second marriage my husband loves it when I dressed up. He bought me clothes that made me look and feel good. However, this did not stop him from being with other women. So, what I was doing was not enough to keep him home and all to me. Therefore, I felt that I was doing something wrong again. I became a punching bag to him. I knew that this was not healthy and left this marriage too.
Third marriage – people say that 3 is the charm. Well that is so not true. My third marriage was the worst. Not only did he have a drug problem, but alcohol became an issue along with pornography. If I dressed up he would wonder who I was dressing up for. I better make sure that I do not look at anyone else. Lies consumed his mouth in order for him to keeping living the sinful life he chose and accuse me of doing all the wrong in order to make himself feel better for what he was doing wrong. I became a woman full of anger and did not understand what I was doing any more. Finally, it hit me. I am worth so much more. I deserve so much more. God has bigger plans for me and he loves me. That is all that matters is that God loves me.
Finally, enough is enough. The most important thing in life now is that I know that I am worth much, much more and that God loves me for who I am as he is the one who created me and has molded me.
My love letter to myself is this –
Amber, you are an amazing daughter of the most High King. You are a loving mother who shows the love to her boys. You are raising your boys as the precious kings God has created in them to be. You are a loving and caring friend who cares about others thoughts and feelings. You have compassion for those who are hurting and will be there for them if they want it. There is no more taking advantage of you. You have learned about healthy boundaries and know when to say no. There is a fire in you to want to know more of the love of Jesus in your life. You are beautiful both on the inside and out. You have many talents that Jesus wants you to use and not be afraid of what other people think. Speak boldly in love and truth. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. Pamper yourself as you deserve it. It is time to spread your wings my dear sister, spread wide and high. God is there with you flying by your side. No more fear!!!!!

Finally move out of mom's home

*Found a lost best friend from grade school and my first love Ray comes back into my life – Amy was my best friend from the 3rd grade. We did everything together. I was so sad and so heart broken when she moved far away. Her mom made sure that we stayed in contact through out the years. However, we did loose a bit of contact and re-connected after high school. I was able to track down her phone number and find out where she was living. She only was about 1 ½ away from me. Yes, we could catch up on old times and moments that we missed in each others lives. While working at Pioneer Pies one night Ray just happened to stop in. Ray did not live in Federal Way. He still lived in Spokane Washington. I was shocked and excited at the same time. The love of my life was walking back into my life. I broke up with Ray in the 10th grade in hopes to mend my moms and I relationship. We had good moments and not such good moments. Wow, it was like a world wind having Ray show up. That week with him was so amazing. Finally, there was some one who I could talk to and tell everything too without being afraid. Mom found out that Ray was back in the picture and my world came to an end. Mom did not like it when I had boyfriends. She would encourage me to have boyfriends and yet once I had one she was the biggest witch of the north. But remember my mom was an alcoholic and if things did not go her way you were sure to know about it. I finally reached a point in my life that enough was enough from my mom. Amy had her own apartment in Skagit Valley. I was finally moving out. I was scared and yet so excited. I was finally free from the chaos my mom created everyday. I had told Ray that I was moving out and where I would be staying. Ray went back to Spokane to find us a place as he was going to come back and get me. However, Ray never returned. He never called again. Come to find out there was another girl back home that he had a relationship with. When he returned home she wanted to make things work again with him. So he did out of guilt for some reason or he says. I really believe that Ray would have never hurt me and he did. Trusting people became very hard for me as it had already been broken from my mom and the men that molested me. That was my first heart break that I had ever dealt with. There were so many blue days and so many tears shed. I pulled myself together and found a job. I was going to make a life for myself and make new friends. I did just that. I did go home on my days off to visit mom and Gary. I was making money and building a savings. One visit home my car broke down. I had a red Volkswagen Bug. I love that car. My grandparents bought me that car for graduation. Now my car was broken down, the engine was gone. I was so scared wondering what was going to happen. Thank goodness my mom was working for Toyota at that time in the warranty office. There was a mechanic who worked on older cars in his spare time. He could replace my engine for four hundred dollars. He would take a few weeks. Amy came down to pick me up so I could make some more money and once the car was fixed she brought me back to my parents to pick up my car. Finally, I had my car back and it was time for me to return to my home. Mom had already left for work and I was on my way. Driving along the freeway I am reaching the underpass of Seattle. I started to go around the corner and my car stops running. I pull off to the side in tears. A cop pulls up behind me as because I am not in a good spot. I am crying and tell him that my car is not working. I asked him if he would take me to my mom as she is not far from here. He said no, because it is not in his area. The cop said that he would have to take me down to the station and have my mom pick me up there. Oh my, the tears came on heavier and he felt sorry for me and told me to never tell anyone, he took me to my mom. My mom was scared when she saw me get out of the cops car. I told her that my car stopped working and where it was at. She had my car towed to the shop come to find out that my bearings were no good. It was going to cost me a lot more money to have fixed. I had no money for living expenses at this time and was forced to move back home. That was the last thing that I wanted to do. I now had bills that needed to be taken care of and no job. I was sitting in the waiting area for my mom to get off of work. He comes along a really cute boy to ask me if I wanted to go have lunch with him. I was really hesitant but mom encouraged it has she knew this boy and really liked him. Yes, my mom set me up. I should have known at this moment that this was not going to be good and said no to the lunch date.

After high school

Moving to Vancouver Washington was not so bad. What turned out bad were the people around. Everyone was so rude, in a hurry, and no happiness. Mind you I had just received my drivers license before moving to Vancouver, so not much experience in driving and now in a knew town. So, yes I was one of those who drove slower trying to read the signs as I go to find the place I was going too. I did find a job at a ma and pa restaurant. It was a fun job and I loved my regular customers. Towards the end of that summer, Vancouver summer fail was here. There were so many teenagers running around and driving as if they owned the road. I had ended my shift at work and was on my way home only to be followed by a car full of teenage boys. The made me feel very nervous and scared. As I continued to drive towards home the boys kept following me. Of course I was smart enough not to drive directly home as I was not sure what was on their agenda and I did not have a cell phone at that time. Finally, they had enough following me around as I was just going in circles. I made it home safe in tears and for the first time my mom really listened to me. We ended up moving in September of 1989 to Federal Way Washington, which is after Tacoma Washington and before Seattle Washington. This move was so uneventful due to mom become so outraged. We should up in the evening so everyone was tired and frustrated at that point. Mom had to have the truck unloaded that night. We did not have anyone helping us as it was late to begin with. So of course the drinking began and our night became one anger and frustrating night. We were not at that house for very long before moving again into another home. Yes, we moved around a lot. Between my sophomore and junior year of high school we moved 11 times. Mom was not good with money so rent was not paid on time or never paid. After the second move we had just barely settle in and I wanted to go to college. Of course mom said it again that I would never amount to anything and that I would not make it in college and if I did I had to pay for it. So I found a job working at Pioneer Pies as a server. I applied at Green River Community College. Yes, I said Green River community College were all the Green River raping happened. Was I scared – yes, especially when my classes were in the evening. One evening when leaving school my heart was already beating a mile a minute walking to my car but that night the fog was so thick. I remember calling home and talking to my dad to come and pick me up. Most dads I would think would come pick up there daughter but not mine. I cried all the way home. I finished that quarter to never return.

It was coming upon Christmas time and a girl friend and I decided to go into Seattle for a drive to look at all the Christmas lights. We are down town for my first time ever. We approached a red light and I ran through it. My girlfriend says do you realize that you just ran a red light. Yes, my brakes are not working. I learned to use my emergency break real fast. We are trying to find a gas station and there is none around. We keep driving and up a hill we go, knowing that the only way down is going back down the hill. We found a gas station so I could call my dad. I called my dad to see if he could pick us up and again no was the answer. What father would allow for his daughter to drive a car that has no brakes especially in Seattle Washington, oh mine would. Wiping away the tears and hiding the fear my friend and I begin to giggle are way home. We asked for directions to the freeway from the store clerk and on our way we were.

End of high school

On my sixteenth birthday I woke up that morning to my mom still drinking and watching TV. Beer cans cover the coffee table and were stacked like a pyramid. I was so sad for my mom and yet my mom was so jealous of me. Instead of saying happy birthday she told me how jealous of me she was. Mom was jealous of the person that I was becoming, which was nothing like her. Comes my 21st birthday and mom wished that I was more like her and not such a betty-home maker. I wanted to be nothing like her.

**Finally graduation came and I made it. My mom would always tell me that I would never amount to anything. My junior year in High school, mom and Gary moved to Vancouver Washington. I did not want to go as I wanted to finish school with my friend. Thank goodness I was able to stay and live with my mom’s grandparents. Grandma was such a gem to me. After my phone calls with my mom leaving me in tears, grandma was there to consult me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. There were a few classes that I was struggling in. World Studies and English were my toughest classes. Grandma was going to make sure that I was going to pass my classes and graduate with a good GPA. Finally, I had someone who cared about me and was willing to help me out with my studies. Grandma did, she sat with me and walked me through the things that I did not understand. Also, grandma helped me out with extra credit for World Studies. In addition, my teachers believed in me too and were there to help me along as well. I took up a teacher’s aid for my World Studies teacher; I had my regular class than the teacher’s aid after that. Therefore, I received a double dose back to back in World Studies. This was a huge help for me. Yeah, the day came for mom and Gary to come for graduation. Mom had my grades sent to her friend’s house so that I would not see them until she did. When mom showed up to grandma’s I ran outside to greet her and dad. Of course I asked for my grades. Mom kept walking into the house ignoring me. Dad gave me my grades and said great job, I am so proud of you. I did it. My GPA was a 2.89. I ran into the house to show grandma, she was so proud too. Of course this made mom jealous. Mom and grandma did not have a great relationship when mom was going up. As a matter of fact grandma did leave my mom when she was young to be raised by her dad. Mom had experienced abandonment at a very young age too. The day after graduation I moved away to Vancouver Washington with my parents leaving all my friends and grandparents behind. I have not seen anyone since 1989 and it is now 2009.

Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.

10th grade through 12th

*Middle of 10th going into 11th grade mom had met my new stepdad Gary. This was love at first site or should I say destruction. Mom and Gary were inseparable. One time I had to track my mom down to come home and pay the power and cable bill that had been turned off. Gary did not have a land line phone and I did not know his cell number. So, I began calling mom’s friends to track her down. Once we were able to get a hold of her she was made because I had bothered her. I was really excited about this new step dad. We finally had a dad figure in the house that was nice and treated us with respect and love. Before to long, Gary started to see the ugly side of my mom. I felt so sorry for him. Gary and I had many long talks regarding mom. He stayed by her side and married her. However, the real side of Gary came through on my 21st birthday when he went to kiss me on the lips. Not a kiss that a father gives his daughter. My walls went up from him at that point never to return in that home again. At this point in my life I really felt that I am the one who is bringing this all upon myself. It wasn’t until alter in my life that I realized my mom was sick and she married sick men. I did not see my mom again until she died. They were married for 16 years. Mom passed away at the age of 55 August 30, 2005 due to her failing liver. Gary passed away about a 1 1/2yr later from a brain tumor.

Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.

The beginning of my story

Here are the memories that I grew up with and live with today. Jesus is saving me each and everyday. I am a child of the most high. Here is my story

* When I was two my mom added beaten me for not eating all my oatmeal that morning. That same day I was visiting my dad’s parents (for the last time until my late 20’s). We were at my grandpa’s work (he was a car salesman). Grandpa liked to show me off (he was a proud grandpa). I was sitting on grandpa’s lap when I split my soda. I was upset and scared that I would be in trouble. My grandma took me into the bathroom to clean up. When grandma was changing my clothes she discovered a horrible sight that no one should ever see on a child. I was covered in bruises from shoulders down. Grandma was devastated. She told grandpa and they did not know what to do. My real dad was leaving for Vietnam. My grandparents never made the call. When it came time for my mom to pick me up my grandparents had a few choice words, which left them to never see me again. My Uncle Mike said that mom was always hitting me. There was never a time that he did not see me without a bruise. This was so true all the way up to me teen years.

Growing up in an alcoholic home was not a pleasant up bringing. A child should feel safe, happy, and loved. Not me. My mother did not know what the meaning of love meant except for the love she had for alcohol. My earliest memory is at age 5. We were living in Spokane Washington off of McDonalds street. I always remember the house as the McDonalds house because of the name of the street. Those memories are so dark and horrible.

Here is my story. When living in the McDonalds house I honestly can say that I do not remember one happy moment.

The time line is age 5-7.

Memories – (keep in mind that I have a younger bother and sister)

*We had a baby sitter who was male watched us many times. One time my bother and I had to play truth or dare with this babysitter. One of the dares was to eat dog food which my bother did and the other dare was for me to take off my clothes and hide in the closet – after that moment I do not remember anything. But my life was never the same again. (When I was 21 my mom told me that the babysitter had molested me)

*My grandpa had picked me up to spend time with me, which I loved spending time with my grandpa. Grandpa had bought me a pack of gum. When I arrived home I had gone outside to play with my friends. I shared my gum with my friends. So when it came time to come in my mom had asked me where my gum was and I told her that it was all gone. She did not believe. She said that I was lying and that I would be punished for lying to her. She made me eat a whole German chocolate cake and a huge bowl of quarter like candies. To this day I can not eat German chocolate cake or those quarters like candies.

*My mom was upset with me for something again and I was grounded to my room not to come out. I must have been in there for a couple of days. The day came for my bothers birthday party and I was not allowed to come out. My mom made a way for me not to open up my door. I remember when my grandpa had showed up I was looking out my window knocking for him to come and get me. I heard my mom yelling to ignore me. I remember pulling down my curtains out of anger and fear. I do not remember what happened that night once everyone had left.

*Coming home from school one day mom was in an out rage. The dogs had pooped in our kiddy swimming pool and she thought that my bother or I had done so. Of course mom did not believe us – mom never believed a word we said. So of course we had to pack our bags because we were such naught little children and we did not deserve to be with her any more. Mom was taking Shawn to juvenile detention and I was being dropped off in the woods. We drove far, far away from home. It was dark and there was a huge field with many trees. My mom stopped the car and tried to pull me out of the car. I bit her hand and moved far away in the back where she could not reach me. She said fine, we will wait to drop you off when your father gets off of work. Dean (stepdad) gets off at 11pm. My mom went to drop my brother off at juvenile detention but they would not take him because he was too young. You would have thought that the people who worked there would have asked questions as to why. It was time to pickup our stepdad. Mom told him the plan once he got into the car. We were heading home but passed the road to turn home. We stayed on the highway a few miles out until there were many trees and very dark. Stepdad pulled off the road onto a dirt road and drove back a little ways. It was so dark but I new exactly where we were. At this point I was not as scared to get out. As I remember I think that I did not put up a fight as I was going to run towards the highway for help. I was going to finally be free. Once I got out of the car I stood there and waited for them to leave. I began to run. I heard a big huge bear like sound and ran faster. Mom must have let my stepdad out of the car to scare me. Stepdad and mom saw that I was running for the highway and stopped me before I reached the road. After that everything went blank. I was not free.

*One night mom was in a huge rage and for some reason I was in trouble and the blunt end of mom’s rage. I do not remember what made mom so made but she thought that I was lying about something. For hours I was spanked with a green army belt – yes, I will never forget that green army belt. I finally realized at that moment if I would just tell my mom what she wanted to hear that I would not be punished as bad. As hard as it was I finally told her that I did what ever it was that she was so upset about and the spanking stopped.

*One day I was riding my bike out front on a beautiful sun shiny day. There was a motor cycle that came screaming down the street toward me so I turned around and peddle home as fast as I could. Once I reached the driveway the motor cycle was right behind me. I peddle through the garage into the backyard. Before I new it, the motor cycle was following me to the back yard. I got off my bike to run up the back porch and into the house for safety. My mom locked me out and would not let me in the house. I did not know what to think at that moment. There is a blank after that. There was so much fear that I do not know what happened next.

*Stepdad and mom fought all the time. There were many nights that I woke up due to them fighting. There fights consisted of yelling loud and punching one another. Most of the time we were packed up and leaving the house to stay in a hotel or at our Uncle and Aunts house.

*My mom and stepdad had mirrors above there bed. I remember these mirrors above so well. I was looking up at the mirrors when my stepdad was molesting me.

The summer before 3rd grade we finally moved. We moved to a duplex out of the valley. We now were living at Liberty Lake. This lake was so beautiful. I loved walking down to the lake to catch a breath and take in the beauty that was around me.

Time line is age 8 – 13

From time to time mom did take us to church. Church was the only place that I felt completely safe. When I was eight I remember going down to an altar call to accept Jesus for the first time. For the first time I really felt that someone really loved me and that he would save me.

*On my eighth birthday – stepdad and mom got into another huge fight. This time mom was really going to leave him. That night I learned that Dean (stepdad) was not my real father. Up until this point my bother and I were told that Dean was our father. I was devastated to learn that I had another dad. Where was he? How come I never saw him? Why did he not love me? There were so many questions that flooded my mind and at that point I was curious to know my dad.

*We moved a few more times remaining at Liberty Lake. The last house we lived in while remaining at Liberty Lake is another friend of my parents (mom and stepdad) rented a room from us. Not too long after living with us did he begin to come into my room with my parent’s right in the living room – they knew he was in there and did nothing about it. So many nights after I was able to get him off of me I would leave my bed to go sleep with my sister. My parents did nothing to stop him from coming into my room. They saw me leave my bedroom laughing as I was going up stairs to my sister’s room. This was a good enough excuse for my stepdad to keep coming in my room as my mother did nothing to stop their male friend coming into my room.

*Many drunken nights my mom would come home and I would have to get her to her room once she woke me up. Many parties were held at our house and I was the bartender – had to make sure that everyone was taken care of.

*While living in liberty lake there was this little white church that I went too. This church was the only place that I could feel safe in. Every Sunday and or church activity that I could go to I was there.

*End of eight grade I tried out for a dance team at my school. I practiced for so long. Low and behold I made the team. I was looking forward to my ninth grade year. For the first time I really felt that I belonged to something. I never got to be a part of that team. We moved again – this time back into the valley.

*9th grade year I made a bunch of new friends. The other friends that I had I felt safe around but it was not long for me to make close friends. Close enough friends who realized something bad had happened to me. I had gotten in trouble for something for which I do not remember what I did wrong. I sure do remember the punishment. My stepdad had taken a 2x2 to my butt. I was spanked 10 times with this board. The next day going to school my friends were sitting around a table as usual talking before school started. I went to sit down and tears ran down my checks because it hurt badly. My friends new that someone horrible had happened to me. It was time to go to first period. As soon as I was situated I was called down to the counselor’s office were I spent most of the day explaining what had happened the night before. For the first time I felt very scared and yet trusted completely that the system would save me and remove me from this horrible home life. Health and welfare came in to take pictures of my bum and a detective came in to talk to me about my home life. My stepdad and mom were in so much trouble. The detective had left as he was going to pick up my stepdad and talk to my mom. Health and welfare were going to also check in on my mom. By this time I finally was able to go to class. Class was not even over and I was called back down to the counselor’s office. After the detective had spoke to my mom and stepdad they were not going to do anything about what had happened to me. The system had let me down. I for sure thought that I was going to die that night. The counselor was in tears knowing that things were not going to be good for me that night. The counselor wanted to keep me for herself and protect me but she would loose her job. The counselor drove me home. When I arrived home my mom had called my grandma to keep my stepdad from killing me. I was sent to my bedroom not to come out.

*9th grade was over and summer was here. I did have a boyfriend at this time who knew about everything that had happened to me regarding my home life. Ray had been in my life as a family friend for years. We were two years apart from one another. For the first time I felt that he was the only one that truly knew me and loved me. My bother and sister had been caught for shopping lifting at a near by grocery store. I was at my boyfriends house when I should have been home watching them. Yes, I was wrong this time. My mom was at work when she received the phone call from the police. My bother had called me and told me what had happened and that mom was on her way home. When I arrived home my bother had locked me out of the house because mom had told him to. It was my fault that my bother and sister had been caught. If was home doing my job correctly watching them they would have never been at the grocery store. At this point I had, had enough being punished for the things that my bother and sister had done wrong. I ran away. My boyfriend and I went to one of his friend’s house to figure out what we were going to do. Both of us were very scared. We ended up going to Priest Lake staying in a trail for the weekend just to get away. We had told one of his sisters what was going on. That time in Priest Lake there were many tears shed and I had lost my virginity – I was only 16. Ray was my very first and true love. I knew I had done wrong but the first time I felt so safe and so loved. After a few days in Priest Lake we head back towards the Spokane Valley. When we arrived in town we stopped at his sister’s house were we hid out for a few. Ray had spoken to his parents who were very scared wanted for me to go back home. Ray was in a lot of trouble for helping me out. One night Ray and I went to the movie theaters to see a movie. Rays father had followed us there to talk to us about this situation. Ray new, that if I were to go home that I would have been hurt more than I had ever been hurt before. Ray’s dad ended up having a heart attack in the parking lot. We rushed him to the hospital. By then my parents new were I was. My mom comes in screaming what a hoer, bitch, slut, and liar I was. Thank goodness the hospital called health and welfare and the police. Because of my moms behavior I went into foster care right away. Ray’s dad was good and I was in a safe place now. Arriving at the foster home was scary because I was not sure what to expect. They tucked me into bed and talked with me a few. Before I new it the foster parents were back in the room only to awake me and get me out of bed. They found out that my parents do not live far from them so the health and welfare people picked me up to move me clear across town were my parents would have no clue where I was. The new foster mom was really nice. She really took me under her wing. For the first time ever I felt safe until other foster kids arrived. At this point I was not sure what to expect for the other foster kids. As I watched the other kids I began to diminish my home life to nothing. The other kids had it worst than me. The day was coming for me to go to court against my parents. I was going to divorce my parents. I had over heard my parents talking to my foster mom on the phone and they told her after court they would be taking me home. I loved my foster mom and were I was staying but I was not going to go back home. The night before court I packed up what I had and Ray my boyfriend came and picked me up. This time we stayed with his other sister who lived outside of the city limits in a small little town. Ray and I had many discussions on how to get me ready for school without my parents finding out were I was. As soon as my school records would be transferred they would know. Weeks had gone by always watching behind of us. One day Ray had left me for the first time to go to the store. We were staying in a single wide trailer that had a back door and a front door. I was in the back bedroom when I heard the front and back door open. Both my stepdad and grandpa were there to take me home. They grab me and put me the car before Ray could even get back in time to save me. I will never forget that ride home. My stepdad blamed my mom for everything. Told me how much my mom could not stand me and that she made him do all the horrible things to me. When we arrived home I was told that I could never talk or see Ray again.

*10 grade year – I was starting high school and so scared. I began to write Ray letters and he did pick me up on lunch breaks from school. There were some classes that I missed because Ray had not brought me back in time. We talked so much and he wondered every time if that would be the last time that he saw me. My mom was horrible – nothing new there. In my letters to Ray I wrote everything that was going on at home and what a horrible person my mom was. One day coming home from school my mom came at me when I walked through the front door. She had found one of my letters to Ray talking about her. My mom said that I was a bitch and a slut. She could not deal with me any longer and she was going to send me to a girl’s home back in Texas far, far away from Ray. There was a lot of yelling going. We were upstairs and my grandma was yelling at me as well. I remember being at the top of the stairs and my grandma went to push me down the stairs. I screamed and grabbed her arm to stop me from going backwards down the stairs. Thank goodness she grabbed the wall and neither of us went down the stairs. At this time my grandma packed me up and I went to stay with her until my mom cooled down. My mom and grandma thought that counseling would be good. Finally, someone will listen to me and help me. I do not remember what I said in that first counseling session but there must have been enough for me to say that my mom did not want me to go back. Again, my mom was in trouble. However, nothing every came of that counseling session and was left to live with this crazy women.

*My 10 grade year was hard. There was so much turmoil going on. I was never allowed to go anywhere nor talk on the phone. If a boy called me my mom would call me a slut. I slept with only one - Ray. I did not like other people touching me. The only things that boys/men were interested in were boobs and sex. That was not my thing. I felt violated when boys would talk about my boobs. I was a child who dealt with many years of molestation. I did not trust boys or men. So my mom was so far off when she called me a slut. The sad thing is that my mom did not know me at all. She never took the time to know my feelings or what was happening to me under the same roof that we shared. Or maybe she did and she blames me for being molested. I never told my mom until that summer end of 10th grade. Dean had come into my room naked for the last time. As soon as he crawled into my bed and fell asleep I crawled out and slept on the couch. The next morning when he woke up coming out of my room and he rubbed the top of my head asking me why I was on the couch? Seriously, you have to ask? Mom and Dean separated not too long after that. Mom was lost and confused even more. She could not stop seeing Dean but thank God they never did get back together. Mom did divorce him and became more reliant on me. I became the mom and she was the daughter.