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Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, fro darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knot me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one to them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Introduction
Psalm 139 has given me new meaning; God really does know everything about me before I was even born. God was there the day I was born with open arms unlike my mom. When I need to be loved God showed me love unlike my mom. God has been through every valley that I have encountered thus far.
Here you will hear my story – I grew up in an alcohol abusive home that consisted of daily verbal, physical, and sexual abuse I made it out alive but broken inside. Living this and breathing this life brought me into three unhealthy, alcoholic, abusive marriages.
After my third marriage I realized that enough is enough. I am worth much more and deserve much more as my two precious sons do too.
My desire this past year has been to know Gods love for me and to be healed. God, help me be honest with myself. Show me what has been broken so that I can be free from this long life of bondage.
You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free
John 8:32
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Victories
This past year has been so healing. God provided me with a better paying job, buy a car of my dreams, taken me through many healing encounters, given me the tools to teach my boys the importance of healing, given me visions, shown me exactly how far the East is from the West, and how to embrace my new life.
For the first time I feel alive and happy. There is so much peace within me. I have taught my boys the importance of journaling and how safe it is to write everything down. Last week my younger son came to me with a piece of paper in hand all folded up. He asked if we could burn his letter. The reason for the burning is to completely release what ever it is that you wrote so that know one else knows but you and God. This is freeing. You are no longer bottling up what is bothering you. As a mother I wanted to know what he wrote down to help him through but he did not want to tell me. I asked for a moment and walked away to prayer for strength and for the right words to speak to him. Once I came back, we walked to the fireplace, said a prayer and burned his paper. This was safe for him.
Took my boys to the Rock & Worship Roadshow last Friday. It was amazing. There was this father with his boys who sat four rows ahead of us. This dad was really getting into the music and dancing with his boys. The boys also shared time on the dads shoulders. What a precious sight to see. However, this was a grieving moment for my older son. My older son's dad is an alcoholic and has chosen his drinking over Tyler all of his life. Tyler and his dad recently had a major falling out, which left Tyler telling his dad to never call him again and to stay out of his life. As we were driving home from the Rock & Worship Roadshow, Tyler told me that this was really hard for him watching the dad ahead of us loving his boys. Tyler has finally started grieving the loss of his dad, the loss of that father love that he has never received. A few nights ago, Tyler told me that he has been praying and talking with God a lot and that God told him that he is his father and that he loves him very much. This was different for Tyler but he has accepted it because he is craving that fatherly love - Thank you Jesus.
I gave my testimony a few weeks back (we recorded it first and it was presented last Sunday in church). I was approached by a church member telling me that my story touched both her and her husband closely as they too have experienced some of the pain as I have. I did not realize that my testimony was being shown. As I was sitting there in first service watching my testimony I had a vision of me sitting on Jesus lap as a little girl watching the ending of my story. Yes, it was the ending (it is over) and now I am in a new beginning. God has an awesome plan for me and I am looking forward to my new life.
God has shown me so much love this past year. For the first time I am realizing and feeling real love.
For the first time I feel alive and happy. There is so much peace within me. I have taught my boys the importance of journaling and how safe it is to write everything down. Last week my younger son came to me with a piece of paper in hand all folded up. He asked if we could burn his letter. The reason for the burning is to completely release what ever it is that you wrote so that know one else knows but you and God. This is freeing. You are no longer bottling up what is bothering you. As a mother I wanted to know what he wrote down to help him through but he did not want to tell me. I asked for a moment and walked away to prayer for strength and for the right words to speak to him. Once I came back, we walked to the fireplace, said a prayer and burned his paper. This was safe for him.
Took my boys to the Rock & Worship Roadshow last Friday. It was amazing. There was this father with his boys who sat four rows ahead of us. This dad was really getting into the music and dancing with his boys. The boys also shared time on the dads shoulders. What a precious sight to see. However, this was a grieving moment for my older son. My older son's dad is an alcoholic and has chosen his drinking over Tyler all of his life. Tyler and his dad recently had a major falling out, which left Tyler telling his dad to never call him again and to stay out of his life. As we were driving home from the Rock & Worship Roadshow, Tyler told me that this was really hard for him watching the dad ahead of us loving his boys. Tyler has finally started grieving the loss of his dad, the loss of that father love that he has never received. A few nights ago, Tyler told me that he has been praying and talking with God a lot and that God told him that he is his father and that he loves him very much. This was different for Tyler but he has accepted it because he is craving that fatherly love - Thank you Jesus.
I gave my testimony a few weeks back (we recorded it first and it was presented last Sunday in church). I was approached by a church member telling me that my story touched both her and her husband closely as they too have experienced some of the pain as I have. I did not realize that my testimony was being shown. As I was sitting there in first service watching my testimony I had a vision of me sitting on Jesus lap as a little girl watching the ending of my story. Yes, it was the ending (it is over) and now I am in a new beginning. God has an awesome plan for me and I am looking forward to my new life.
God has shown me so much love this past year. For the first time I am realizing and feeling real love.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Journey after Troy
JOURNEY AFTER TROY
Wow, the past nine months have been filled with many moments of freedom. Once Troy moved out we had a plan to work on reconciling our marriage. We both started Celebrate Recovery at Capital Christian Center. At first I did it to support Troy as I am not the one who had a drug or alcohol problem. Little did I know that celebrate recovery was much more than that. As I progressed in the program Troy soon realized that he was loosing control therefore quit the program and our marriage. For the first time I truly realized that I deserved much more. My boys deserve more. Reconciling the marriage was not going Troy’s way therefore there was nothing to reconcile anymore. I was not willing to have him back in the home with the boys and I to continue living the way we have for the past seven years. Enough is enough.
Troy quit Celebrate Recovery and quit coming to Capital Christian Center. That’s fine, I am moving on in my recovery. There is nothing holding me back. Troy decided to go to another church. For the first time I really let go as I needed to for my recovery in Codependency. Yes, I gained a title. Codependency was like those flashing lights over my head. I wanted to burn out every light bulb learning how to conquer codependency.
Realizing that my marriage was over was hard as this was the third one. There was so much shame, guilt, hopelessness, regret, and let down. I felt like I had failed my boys again. I brought yet another man into our life and allowed him to steal and destroy each one of us over a seven year period.
I knew that things were not going to be easy but I was ready for the challenge. Money was going to be really tight but I was not going to allow it to control me. One way or another God has provided and met all our needs.
I had friends come up along side of me telling me that everything was going to be alright. It is time to take care of you and your boys. A dear friend told me that, “a year from now you will look back and see what God has done in your life.” You will be amazed at how true that statement has been.
As Troy continued to try to control my life I continued in the Celebrate Recovery program. Those six months in Celebrate Recovery was just the beginning of my healing. For the first time in my life I new that “Enough was Enough”. No more would anyone come in and destroy my boys or me. It was time for God to take hold of me and move those mountains away that I have been going around and around for years. The light bulbs on my title “Codependency” were going out. Healing within me has begun – oh but this was just the beginning.
The summer was very humbling. My neighbors were there to help me in a time of need with food, keeping my car running and when I needed a hug. A car was given to me as my other car was neither safe nor reliable. Money was really tight. I humbled myself by going to the food banks in order to put food on the table for the boys. This was huge as I needed to reach out for help knowing that I could not provide for my boys but that God could and he did.
Celebrate Recovery came to a close in September when I graduated. Now it was time for the next step. I had no clue what God had in store for me. Continued going to church every weekend being feed each time. One Sunday my car broke down – was not good news. It was going to cost too much money to fix the car – money that I did not have. The boys said, “Mom lets just buy a car.” I began to pray – God did find us a car (even my dream car). How I was going to pay for this I had no clue. Each month God gives me the money to make my car payment. I love my car.
My divorce was finalized in November. God opened up another door for me – new job with Scentsy in the Finance department. This was a huge step of faith for me as the company was just creating a position for me. The reason for this was because I was looking at taking on a second job. I did not want to leave my children at home at night as we all were in this journey together of healing. The lady that I bought Scentsy from co-owns Scentsy with her husband Orville. Orville and Heidi listened to my story and were lead to help me with my needs and wants. I did not want to leave my children at night. Therefore, Orville and Heidi provided a way for me to work for them at Scentsy by matching what I made at St. Luke’s Hospital and what I would have made part time at Shopco. My hopes are in the next year that I will begin to catch things up that were behind. Begin to pay my bills on time, work on the ones that are old and begin to build a savings for those unexpected expenses that appear.
November, I started my new job at Scentsy and Life’s Healing Choice small group. I am so thankful for the opportunity that I have with Scentsy in the finance department. God knew I was struggling and needed a break. A few weeks before getting the job at Scentsy I was really struggling financially. God has met all our needs but it still seemed scary. I prayed to God saying that I know that you love me and yet I need to see how much you love me. I need to feel your love as I have never felt love before besides my boys. God showed me his love and has not stopped showing me since. My finances started to fall all in place.
Life’s Healing Choices small group has been amazing. I have seen areas that I am being healed in that I thought would never be healed. God is so amazing how he takes each step with us and allows us to hurt but heal at the same time. I have been given many visions this past year. I have seen that my son Tyler will be a Godly man with three beautiful children who look up to him with so much love in there eyes – something that I did not have as a child. I have seen the little girl in me blossom with Jesus. This little girl in me knows that Jesus loves her so much and always has.
Chapter four in Life’s Healing Choices – that evening in small group tears came and came. There was something that I had to put on my inventory list that I had not shared with before. I knew that I had to share with my leader as she was my accountability partner from Celebrate Recovery. Towards the end of class God showed me as a little girl with a white ribbon in my hair, a white dress with white socks and shoes standing next to Jesus hold my hand. Wow – Jesus really looks at me as pure – I am white as snow as he washes away all my sins and hurts. God will never leave me nor forsake me. I now understanding the love that he has for me. The following weekend at church was the Catalyst conference at church, during worship time I had another moment of God’s unfailing love. Singing the song “White as Snow”, God showed me that every time that I was being hurt that he was right there by my side and then held me that night comforting me. Tears poured out as I realized that he has been with me all along.
God’s love is so real in me forever. Now I am teaching the boys all about journaling. I am looking forward to more healing in the months to come.
Wow, the past nine months have been filled with many moments of freedom. Once Troy moved out we had a plan to work on reconciling our marriage. We both started Celebrate Recovery at Capital Christian Center. At first I did it to support Troy as I am not the one who had a drug or alcohol problem. Little did I know that celebrate recovery was much more than that. As I progressed in the program Troy soon realized that he was loosing control therefore quit the program and our marriage. For the first time I truly realized that I deserved much more. My boys deserve more. Reconciling the marriage was not going Troy’s way therefore there was nothing to reconcile anymore. I was not willing to have him back in the home with the boys and I to continue living the way we have for the past seven years. Enough is enough.
Troy quit Celebrate Recovery and quit coming to Capital Christian Center. That’s fine, I am moving on in my recovery. There is nothing holding me back. Troy decided to go to another church. For the first time I really let go as I needed to for my recovery in Codependency. Yes, I gained a title. Codependency was like those flashing lights over my head. I wanted to burn out every light bulb learning how to conquer codependency.
Realizing that my marriage was over was hard as this was the third one. There was so much shame, guilt, hopelessness, regret, and let down. I felt like I had failed my boys again. I brought yet another man into our life and allowed him to steal and destroy each one of us over a seven year period.
I knew that things were not going to be easy but I was ready for the challenge. Money was going to be really tight but I was not going to allow it to control me. One way or another God has provided and met all our needs.
I had friends come up along side of me telling me that everything was going to be alright. It is time to take care of you and your boys. A dear friend told me that, “a year from now you will look back and see what God has done in your life.” You will be amazed at how true that statement has been.
As Troy continued to try to control my life I continued in the Celebrate Recovery program. Those six months in Celebrate Recovery was just the beginning of my healing. For the first time in my life I new that “Enough was Enough”. No more would anyone come in and destroy my boys or me. It was time for God to take hold of me and move those mountains away that I have been going around and around for years. The light bulbs on my title “Codependency” were going out. Healing within me has begun – oh but this was just the beginning.
The summer was very humbling. My neighbors were there to help me in a time of need with food, keeping my car running and when I needed a hug. A car was given to me as my other car was neither safe nor reliable. Money was really tight. I humbled myself by going to the food banks in order to put food on the table for the boys. This was huge as I needed to reach out for help knowing that I could not provide for my boys but that God could and he did.
Celebrate Recovery came to a close in September when I graduated. Now it was time for the next step. I had no clue what God had in store for me. Continued going to church every weekend being feed each time. One Sunday my car broke down – was not good news. It was going to cost too much money to fix the car – money that I did not have. The boys said, “Mom lets just buy a car.” I began to pray – God did find us a car (even my dream car). How I was going to pay for this I had no clue. Each month God gives me the money to make my car payment. I love my car.
My divorce was finalized in November. God opened up another door for me – new job with Scentsy in the Finance department. This was a huge step of faith for me as the company was just creating a position for me. The reason for this was because I was looking at taking on a second job. I did not want to leave my children at home at night as we all were in this journey together of healing. The lady that I bought Scentsy from co-owns Scentsy with her husband Orville. Orville and Heidi listened to my story and were lead to help me with my needs and wants. I did not want to leave my children at night. Therefore, Orville and Heidi provided a way for me to work for them at Scentsy by matching what I made at St. Luke’s Hospital and what I would have made part time at Shopco. My hopes are in the next year that I will begin to catch things up that were behind. Begin to pay my bills on time, work on the ones that are old and begin to build a savings for those unexpected expenses that appear.
November, I started my new job at Scentsy and Life’s Healing Choice small group. I am so thankful for the opportunity that I have with Scentsy in the finance department. God knew I was struggling and needed a break. A few weeks before getting the job at Scentsy I was really struggling financially. God has met all our needs but it still seemed scary. I prayed to God saying that I know that you love me and yet I need to see how much you love me. I need to feel your love as I have never felt love before besides my boys. God showed me his love and has not stopped showing me since. My finances started to fall all in place.
Life’s Healing Choices small group has been amazing. I have seen areas that I am being healed in that I thought would never be healed. God is so amazing how he takes each step with us and allows us to hurt but heal at the same time. I have been given many visions this past year. I have seen that my son Tyler will be a Godly man with three beautiful children who look up to him with so much love in there eyes – something that I did not have as a child. I have seen the little girl in me blossom with Jesus. This little girl in me knows that Jesus loves her so much and always has.
Chapter four in Life’s Healing Choices – that evening in small group tears came and came. There was something that I had to put on my inventory list that I had not shared with before. I knew that I had to share with my leader as she was my accountability partner from Celebrate Recovery. Towards the end of class God showed me as a little girl with a white ribbon in my hair, a white dress with white socks and shoes standing next to Jesus hold my hand. Wow – Jesus really looks at me as pure – I am white as snow as he washes away all my sins and hurts. God will never leave me nor forsake me. I now understanding the love that he has for me. The following weekend at church was the Catalyst conference at church, during worship time I had another moment of God’s unfailing love. Singing the song “White as Snow”, God showed me that every time that I was being hurt that he was right there by my side and then held me that night comforting me. Tears poured out as I realized that he has been with me all along.
God’s love is so real in me forever. Now I am teaching the boys all about journaling. I am looking forward to more healing in the months to come.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Love letter to myself
Love letter to self
I am reading a book by Chicken Soup for the Soul – Life Lessons for Women. One of the stories that caught my spirit was the love letter. When you think of a love letter it is a letter that we write to someone else explaining why we love him/her. In this story I am instructed to write a love letter to myself. This has taken me a week to think about how to do this and were do I begin. So, the past week I have been thinking and this is what I have come up with.
Growing up in a dysfunctional home for 18 years I was told that I was not pretty, I was fat, that I would never amount to anything, I was selfish, a bitch, whore, and a slut. What little my mom new was that I was an amazing daughter that God created. Thank goodness God has his angels around me and protect my mind from completely believing what my mom was speaking into me everyday. I did not feel pretty and I was not fat but I believe that I was because of the lie my mom spoke into me. Today I believe that I am over weight, which has been a struggle for me and this too I will conquer. My mom had it made with me. I helped take care of the house when she was absent. I took care of my brother and sister and put mom to bed when she arrived home wasted. In the mornings, I made sure that my brother and sister were awake and ready for school. Breakfast was made and lunches were packed. If we missed the bus I would make sure that we had a ride to school from someone else so that we did not disturb my mom. If she only new how many times we missed the bus, it was rare.
Comes my adult years and I am still taking care of everyone else but myself. My first marriage I did not dress up at all. I wore clothes that were bigger than me to cover me up as I felt fat. My husband did not want me to wear flattering clothes as it kept other men from looking at me. If I worked, I came straight home to attend to all his needs and he continued to ignore me. His drinking was more important along with flirting with other women.
My second marriage my husband loves it when I dressed up. He bought me clothes that made me look and feel good. However, this did not stop him from being with other women. So, what I was doing was not enough to keep him home and all to me. Therefore, I felt that I was doing something wrong again. I became a punching bag to him. I knew that this was not healthy and left this marriage too.
Third marriage – people say that 3 is the charm. Well that is so not true. My third marriage was the worst. Not only did he have a drug problem, but alcohol became an issue along with pornography. If I dressed up he would wonder who I was dressing up for. I better make sure that I do not look at anyone else. Lies consumed his mouth in order for him to keeping living the sinful life he chose and accuse me of doing all the wrong in order to make himself feel better for what he was doing wrong. I became a woman full of anger and did not understand what I was doing any more. Finally, it hit me. I am worth so much more. I deserve so much more. God has bigger plans for me and he loves me. That is all that matters is that God loves me.
Finally, enough is enough. The most important thing in life now is that I know that I am worth much, much more and that God loves me for who I am as he is the one who created me and has molded me.
My love letter to myself is this –
Amber, you are an amazing daughter of the most High King. You are a loving mother who shows the love to her boys. You are raising your boys as the precious kings God has created in them to be. You are a loving and caring friend who cares about others thoughts and feelings. You have compassion for those who are hurting and will be there for them if they want it. There is no more taking advantage of you. You have learned about healthy boundaries and know when to say no. There is a fire in you to want to know more of the love of Jesus in your life. You are beautiful both on the inside and out. You have many talents that Jesus wants you to use and not be afraid of what other people think. Speak boldly in love and truth. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. Pamper yourself as you deserve it. It is time to spread your wings my dear sister, spread wide and high. God is there with you flying by your side. No more fear!!!!!
I am reading a book by Chicken Soup for the Soul – Life Lessons for Women. One of the stories that caught my spirit was the love letter. When you think of a love letter it is a letter that we write to someone else explaining why we love him/her. In this story I am instructed to write a love letter to myself. This has taken me a week to think about how to do this and were do I begin. So, the past week I have been thinking and this is what I have come up with.
Growing up in a dysfunctional home for 18 years I was told that I was not pretty, I was fat, that I would never amount to anything, I was selfish, a bitch, whore, and a slut. What little my mom new was that I was an amazing daughter that God created. Thank goodness God has his angels around me and protect my mind from completely believing what my mom was speaking into me everyday. I did not feel pretty and I was not fat but I believe that I was because of the lie my mom spoke into me. Today I believe that I am over weight, which has been a struggle for me and this too I will conquer. My mom had it made with me. I helped take care of the house when she was absent. I took care of my brother and sister and put mom to bed when she arrived home wasted. In the mornings, I made sure that my brother and sister were awake and ready for school. Breakfast was made and lunches were packed. If we missed the bus I would make sure that we had a ride to school from someone else so that we did not disturb my mom. If she only new how many times we missed the bus, it was rare.
Comes my adult years and I am still taking care of everyone else but myself. My first marriage I did not dress up at all. I wore clothes that were bigger than me to cover me up as I felt fat. My husband did not want me to wear flattering clothes as it kept other men from looking at me. If I worked, I came straight home to attend to all his needs and he continued to ignore me. His drinking was more important along with flirting with other women.
My second marriage my husband loves it when I dressed up. He bought me clothes that made me look and feel good. However, this did not stop him from being with other women. So, what I was doing was not enough to keep him home and all to me. Therefore, I felt that I was doing something wrong again. I became a punching bag to him. I knew that this was not healthy and left this marriage too.
Third marriage – people say that 3 is the charm. Well that is so not true. My third marriage was the worst. Not only did he have a drug problem, but alcohol became an issue along with pornography. If I dressed up he would wonder who I was dressing up for. I better make sure that I do not look at anyone else. Lies consumed his mouth in order for him to keeping living the sinful life he chose and accuse me of doing all the wrong in order to make himself feel better for what he was doing wrong. I became a woman full of anger and did not understand what I was doing any more. Finally, it hit me. I am worth so much more. I deserve so much more. God has bigger plans for me and he loves me. That is all that matters is that God loves me.
Finally, enough is enough. The most important thing in life now is that I know that I am worth much, much more and that God loves me for who I am as he is the one who created me and has molded me.
My love letter to myself is this –
Amber, you are an amazing daughter of the most High King. You are a loving mother who shows the love to her boys. You are raising your boys as the precious kings God has created in them to be. You are a loving and caring friend who cares about others thoughts and feelings. You have compassion for those who are hurting and will be there for them if they want it. There is no more taking advantage of you. You have learned about healthy boundaries and know when to say no. There is a fire in you to want to know more of the love of Jesus in your life. You are beautiful both on the inside and out. You have many talents that Jesus wants you to use and not be afraid of what other people think. Speak boldly in love and truth. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. Pamper yourself as you deserve it. It is time to spread your wings my dear sister, spread wide and high. God is there with you flying by your side. No more fear!!!!!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Finally move out of mom's home
*Found a lost best friend from grade school and my first love Ray comes back into my life – Amy was my best friend from the 3rd grade. We did everything together. I was so sad and so heart broken when she moved far away. Her mom made sure that we stayed in contact through out the years. However, we did loose a bit of contact and re-connected after high school. I was able to track down her phone number and find out where she was living. She only was about 1 ½ away from me. Yes, we could catch up on old times and moments that we missed in each others lives. While working at Pioneer Pies one night Ray just happened to stop in. Ray did not live in Federal Way. He still lived in Spokane Washington. I was shocked and excited at the same time. The love of my life was walking back into my life. I broke up with Ray in the 10th grade in hopes to mend my moms and I relationship. We had good moments and not such good moments. Wow, it was like a world wind having Ray show up. That week with him was so amazing. Finally, there was some one who I could talk to and tell everything too without being afraid. Mom found out that Ray was back in the picture and my world came to an end. Mom did not like it when I had boyfriends. She would encourage me to have boyfriends and yet once I had one she was the biggest witch of the north. But remember my mom was an alcoholic and if things did not go her way you were sure to know about it. I finally reached a point in my life that enough was enough from my mom. Amy had her own apartment in Skagit Valley. I was finally moving out. I was scared and yet so excited. I was finally free from the chaos my mom created everyday. I had told Ray that I was moving out and where I would be staying. Ray went back to Spokane to find us a place as he was going to come back and get me. However, Ray never returned. He never called again. Come to find out there was another girl back home that he had a relationship with. When he returned home she wanted to make things work again with him. So he did out of guilt for some reason or he says. I really believe that Ray would have never hurt me and he did. Trusting people became very hard for me as it had already been broken from my mom and the men that molested me. That was my first heart break that I had ever dealt with. There were so many blue days and so many tears shed. I pulled myself together and found a job. I was going to make a life for myself and make new friends. I did just that. I did go home on my days off to visit mom and Gary. I was making money and building a savings. One visit home my car broke down. I had a red Volkswagen Bug. I love that car. My grandparents bought me that car for graduation. Now my car was broken down, the engine was gone. I was so scared wondering what was going to happen. Thank goodness my mom was working for Toyota at that time in the warranty office. There was a mechanic who worked on older cars in his spare time. He could replace my engine for four hundred dollars. He would take a few weeks. Amy came down to pick me up so I could make some more money and once the car was fixed she brought me back to my parents to pick up my car. Finally, I had my car back and it was time for me to return to my home. Mom had already left for work and I was on my way. Driving along the freeway I am reaching the underpass of Seattle. I started to go around the corner and my car stops running. I pull off to the side in tears. A cop pulls up behind me as because I am not in a good spot. I am crying and tell him that my car is not working. I asked him if he would take me to my mom as she is not far from here. He said no, because it is not in his area. The cop said that he would have to take me down to the station and have my mom pick me up there. Oh my, the tears came on heavier and he felt sorry for me and told me to never tell anyone, he took me to my mom. My mom was scared when she saw me get out of the cops car. I told her that my car stopped working and where it was at. She had my car towed to the shop come to find out that my bearings were no good. It was going to cost me a lot more money to have fixed. I had no money for living expenses at this time and was forced to move back home. That was the last thing that I wanted to do. I now had bills that needed to be taken care of and no job. I was sitting in the waiting area for my mom to get off of work. He comes along a really cute boy to ask me if I wanted to go have lunch with him. I was really hesitant but mom encouraged it has she knew this boy and really liked him. Yes, my mom set me up. I should have known at this moment that this was not going to be good and said no to the lunch date.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
After high school
Moving to Vancouver Washington was not so bad. What turned out bad were the people around. Everyone was so rude, in a hurry, and no happiness. Mind you I had just received my drivers license before moving to Vancouver, so not much experience in driving and now in a knew town. So, yes I was one of those who drove slower trying to read the signs as I go to find the place I was going too. I did find a job at a ma and pa restaurant. It was a fun job and I loved my regular customers. Towards the end of that summer, Vancouver summer fail was here. There were so many teenagers running around and driving as if they owned the road. I had ended my shift at work and was on my way home only to be followed by a car full of teenage boys. The made me feel very nervous and scared. As I continued to drive towards home the boys kept following me. Of course I was smart enough not to drive directly home as I was not sure what was on their agenda and I did not have a cell phone at that time. Finally, they had enough following me around as I was just going in circles. I made it home safe in tears and for the first time my mom really listened to me. We ended up moving in September of 1989 to Federal Way Washington, which is after Tacoma Washington and before Seattle Washington. This move was so uneventful due to mom become so outraged. We should up in the evening so everyone was tired and frustrated at that point. Mom had to have the truck unloaded that night. We did not have anyone helping us as it was late to begin with. So of course the drinking began and our night became one anger and frustrating night. We were not at that house for very long before moving again into another home. Yes, we moved around a lot. Between my sophomore and junior year of high school we moved 11 times. Mom was not good with money so rent was not paid on time or never paid. After the second move we had just barely settle in and I wanted to go to college. Of course mom said it again that I would never amount to anything and that I would not make it in college and if I did I had to pay for it. So I found a job working at Pioneer Pies as a server. I applied at Green River Community College. Yes, I said Green River community College were all the Green River raping happened. Was I scared – yes, especially when my classes were in the evening. One evening when leaving school my heart was already beating a mile a minute walking to my car but that night the fog was so thick. I remember calling home and talking to my dad to come and pick me up. Most dads I would think would come pick up there daughter but not mine. I cried all the way home. I finished that quarter to never return.
It was coming upon Christmas time and a girl friend and I decided to go into Seattle for a drive to look at all the Christmas lights. We are down town for my first time ever. We approached a red light and I ran through it. My girlfriend says do you realize that you just ran a red light. Yes, my brakes are not working. I learned to use my emergency break real fast. We are trying to find a gas station and there is none around. We keep driving and up a hill we go, knowing that the only way down is going back down the hill. We found a gas station so I could call my dad. I called my dad to see if he could pick us up and again no was the answer. What father would allow for his daughter to drive a car that has no brakes especially in Seattle Washington, oh mine would. Wiping away the tears and hiding the fear my friend and I begin to giggle are way home. We asked for directions to the freeway from the store clerk and on our way we were.
It was coming upon Christmas time and a girl friend and I decided to go into Seattle for a drive to look at all the Christmas lights. We are down town for my first time ever. We approached a red light and I ran through it. My girlfriend says do you realize that you just ran a red light. Yes, my brakes are not working. I learned to use my emergency break real fast. We are trying to find a gas station and there is none around. We keep driving and up a hill we go, knowing that the only way down is going back down the hill. We found a gas station so I could call my dad. I called my dad to see if he could pick us up and again no was the answer. What father would allow for his daughter to drive a car that has no brakes especially in Seattle Washington, oh mine would. Wiping away the tears and hiding the fear my friend and I begin to giggle are way home. We asked for directions to the freeway from the store clerk and on our way we were.
End of high school
On my sixteenth birthday I woke up that morning to my mom still drinking and watching TV. Beer cans cover the coffee table and were stacked like a pyramid. I was so sad for my mom and yet my mom was so jealous of me. Instead of saying happy birthday she told me how jealous of me she was. Mom was jealous of the person that I was becoming, which was nothing like her. Comes my 21st birthday and mom wished that I was more like her and not such a betty-home maker. I wanted to be nothing like her.
**Finally graduation came and I made it. My mom would always tell me that I would never amount to anything. My junior year in High school, mom and Gary moved to Vancouver Washington. I did not want to go as I wanted to finish school with my friend. Thank goodness I was able to stay and live with my mom’s grandparents. Grandma was such a gem to me. After my phone calls with my mom leaving me in tears, grandma was there to consult me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. There were a few classes that I was struggling in. World Studies and English were my toughest classes. Grandma was going to make sure that I was going to pass my classes and graduate with a good GPA. Finally, I had someone who cared about me and was willing to help me out with my studies. Grandma did, she sat with me and walked me through the things that I did not understand. Also, grandma helped me out with extra credit for World Studies. In addition, my teachers believed in me too and were there to help me along as well. I took up a teacher’s aid for my World Studies teacher; I had my regular class than the teacher’s aid after that. Therefore, I received a double dose back to back in World Studies. This was a huge help for me. Yeah, the day came for mom and Gary to come for graduation. Mom had my grades sent to her friend’s house so that I would not see them until she did. When mom showed up to grandma’s I ran outside to greet her and dad. Of course I asked for my grades. Mom kept walking into the house ignoring me. Dad gave me my grades and said great job, I am so proud of you. I did it. My GPA was a 2.89. I ran into the house to show grandma, she was so proud too. Of course this made mom jealous. Mom and grandma did not have a great relationship when mom was going up. As a matter of fact grandma did leave my mom when she was young to be raised by her dad. Mom had experienced abandonment at a very young age too. The day after graduation I moved away to Vancouver Washington with my parents leaving all my friends and grandparents behind. I have not seen anyone since 1989 and it is now 2009.
Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.
**Finally graduation came and I made it. My mom would always tell me that I would never amount to anything. My junior year in High school, mom and Gary moved to Vancouver Washington. I did not want to go as I wanted to finish school with my friend. Thank goodness I was able to stay and live with my mom’s grandparents. Grandma was such a gem to me. After my phone calls with my mom leaving me in tears, grandma was there to consult me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. There were a few classes that I was struggling in. World Studies and English were my toughest classes. Grandma was going to make sure that I was going to pass my classes and graduate with a good GPA. Finally, I had someone who cared about me and was willing to help me out with my studies. Grandma did, she sat with me and walked me through the things that I did not understand. Also, grandma helped me out with extra credit for World Studies. In addition, my teachers believed in me too and were there to help me along as well. I took up a teacher’s aid for my World Studies teacher; I had my regular class than the teacher’s aid after that. Therefore, I received a double dose back to back in World Studies. This was a huge help for me. Yeah, the day came for mom and Gary to come for graduation. Mom had my grades sent to her friend’s house so that I would not see them until she did. When mom showed up to grandma’s I ran outside to greet her and dad. Of course I asked for my grades. Mom kept walking into the house ignoring me. Dad gave me my grades and said great job, I am so proud of you. I did it. My GPA was a 2.89. I ran into the house to show grandma, she was so proud too. Of course this made mom jealous. Mom and grandma did not have a great relationship when mom was going up. As a matter of fact grandma did leave my mom when she was young to be raised by her dad. Mom had experienced abandonment at a very young age too. The day after graduation I moved away to Vancouver Washington with my parents leaving all my friends and grandparents behind. I have not seen anyone since 1989 and it is now 2009.
Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.
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