JOURNEY AFTER TROY
Wow, the past nine months have been filled with many moments of freedom. Once Troy moved out we had a plan to work on reconciling our marriage. We both started Celebrate Recovery at Capital Christian Center. At first I did it to support Troy as I am not the one who had a drug or alcohol problem. Little did I know that celebrate recovery was much more than that. As I progressed in the program Troy soon realized that he was loosing control therefore quit the program and our marriage. For the first time I truly realized that I deserved much more. My boys deserve more. Reconciling the marriage was not going Troy’s way therefore there was nothing to reconcile anymore. I was not willing to have him back in the home with the boys and I to continue living the way we have for the past seven years. Enough is enough.
Troy quit Celebrate Recovery and quit coming to Capital Christian Center. That’s fine, I am moving on in my recovery. There is nothing holding me back. Troy decided to go to another church. For the first time I really let go as I needed to for my recovery in Codependency. Yes, I gained a title. Codependency was like those flashing lights over my head. I wanted to burn out every light bulb learning how to conquer codependency.
Realizing that my marriage was over was hard as this was the third one. There was so much shame, guilt, hopelessness, regret, and let down. I felt like I had failed my boys again. I brought yet another man into our life and allowed him to steal and destroy each one of us over a seven year period.
I knew that things were not going to be easy but I was ready for the challenge. Money was going to be really tight but I was not going to allow it to control me. One way or another God has provided and met all our needs.
I had friends come up along side of me telling me that everything was going to be alright. It is time to take care of you and your boys. A dear friend told me that, “a year from now you will look back and see what God has done in your life.” You will be amazed at how true that statement has been.
As Troy continued to try to control my life I continued in the Celebrate Recovery program. Those six months in Celebrate Recovery was just the beginning of my healing. For the first time in my life I new that “Enough was Enough”. No more would anyone come in and destroy my boys or me. It was time for God to take hold of me and move those mountains away that I have been going around and around for years. The light bulbs on my title “Codependency” were going out. Healing within me has begun – oh but this was just the beginning.
The summer was very humbling. My neighbors were there to help me in a time of need with food, keeping my car running and when I needed a hug. A car was given to me as my other car was neither safe nor reliable. Money was really tight. I humbled myself by going to the food banks in order to put food on the table for the boys. This was huge as I needed to reach out for help knowing that I could not provide for my boys but that God could and he did.
Celebrate Recovery came to a close in September when I graduated. Now it was time for the next step. I had no clue what God had in store for me. Continued going to church every weekend being feed each time. One Sunday my car broke down – was not good news. It was going to cost too much money to fix the car – money that I did not have. The boys said, “Mom lets just buy a car.” I began to pray – God did find us a car (even my dream car). How I was going to pay for this I had no clue. Each month God gives me the money to make my car payment. I love my car.
My divorce was finalized in November. God opened up another door for me – new job with Scentsy in the Finance department. This was a huge step of faith for me as the company was just creating a position for me. The reason for this was because I was looking at taking on a second job. I did not want to leave my children at home at night as we all were in this journey together of healing. The lady that I bought Scentsy from co-owns Scentsy with her husband Orville. Orville and Heidi listened to my story and were lead to help me with my needs and wants. I did not want to leave my children at night. Therefore, Orville and Heidi provided a way for me to work for them at Scentsy by matching what I made at St. Luke’s Hospital and what I would have made part time at Shopco. My hopes are in the next year that I will begin to catch things up that were behind. Begin to pay my bills on time, work on the ones that are old and begin to build a savings for those unexpected expenses that appear.
November, I started my new job at Scentsy and Life’s Healing Choice small group. I am so thankful for the opportunity that I have with Scentsy in the finance department. God knew I was struggling and needed a break. A few weeks before getting the job at Scentsy I was really struggling financially. God has met all our needs but it still seemed scary. I prayed to God saying that I know that you love me and yet I need to see how much you love me. I need to feel your love as I have never felt love before besides my boys. God showed me his love and has not stopped showing me since. My finances started to fall all in place.
Life’s Healing Choices small group has been amazing. I have seen areas that I am being healed in that I thought would never be healed. God is so amazing how he takes each step with us and allows us to hurt but heal at the same time. I have been given many visions this past year. I have seen that my son Tyler will be a Godly man with three beautiful children who look up to him with so much love in there eyes – something that I did not have as a child. I have seen the little girl in me blossom with Jesus. This little girl in me knows that Jesus loves her so much and always has.
Chapter four in Life’s Healing Choices – that evening in small group tears came and came. There was something that I had to put on my inventory list that I had not shared with before. I knew that I had to share with my leader as she was my accountability partner from Celebrate Recovery. Towards the end of class God showed me as a little girl with a white ribbon in my hair, a white dress with white socks and shoes standing next to Jesus hold my hand. Wow – Jesus really looks at me as pure – I am white as snow as he washes away all my sins and hurts. God will never leave me nor forsake me. I now understanding the love that he has for me. The following weekend at church was the Catalyst conference at church, during worship time I had another moment of God’s unfailing love. Singing the song “White as Snow”, God showed me that every time that I was being hurt that he was right there by my side and then held me that night comforting me. Tears poured out as I realized that he has been with me all along.
God’s love is so real in me forever. Now I am teaching the boys all about journaling. I am looking forward to more healing in the months to come.
