Finally putting my book together

Here is a sneak peak ~ stay tuned for updated info


Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, fro darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knot me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one to them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.





Introduction

Psalm 139 has given me new meaning; God really does know everything about me before I was even born. God was there the day I was born with open arms unlike my mom. When I need to be loved God showed me love unlike my mom. God has been through every valley that I have encountered thus far.

Here you will hear my story – I grew up in an alcohol abusive home that consisted of daily verbal, physical, and sexual abuse I made it out alive but broken inside. Living this and breathing this life brought me into three unhealthy, alcoholic, abusive marriages.

After my third marriage I realized that enough is enough. I am worth much more and deserve much more as my two precious sons do too.

My desire this past year has been to know Gods love for me and to be healed. God, help me be honest with myself. Show me what has been broken so that I can be free from this long life of bondage.

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free
John 8:32

Victories

This past year has been so healing. God provided me with a better paying job, buy a car of my dreams, taken me through many healing encounters, given me the tools to teach my boys the importance of healing, given me visions, shown me exactly how far the East is from the West, and how to embrace my new life.

For the first time I feel alive and happy. There is so much peace within me. I have taught my boys the importance of journaling and how safe it is to write everything down. Last week my younger son came to me with a piece of paper in hand all folded up. He asked if we could burn his letter. The reason for the burning is to completely release what ever it is that you wrote so that know one else knows but you and God. This is freeing. You are no longer bottling up what is bothering you. As a mother I wanted to know what he wrote down to help him through but he did not want to tell me. I asked for a moment and walked away to prayer for strength and for the right words to speak to him. Once I came back, we walked to the fireplace, said a prayer and burned his paper. This was safe for him.

Took my boys to the Rock & Worship Roadshow last Friday. It was amazing. There was this father with his boys who sat four rows ahead of us. This dad was really getting into the music and dancing with his boys. The boys also shared time on the dads shoulders. What a precious sight to see. However, this was a grieving moment for my older son. My older son's dad is an alcoholic and has chosen his drinking over Tyler all of his life. Tyler and his dad recently had a major falling out, which left Tyler telling his dad to never call him again and to stay out of his life. As we were driving home from the Rock & Worship Roadshow, Tyler told me that this was really hard for him watching the dad ahead of us loving his boys. Tyler has finally started grieving the loss of his dad, the loss of that father love that he has never received. A few nights ago, Tyler told me that he has been praying and talking with God a lot and that God told him that he is his father and that he loves him very much. This was different for Tyler but he has accepted it because he is craving that fatherly love - Thank you Jesus.

I gave my testimony a few weeks back (we recorded it first and it was presented last Sunday in church). I was approached by a church member telling me that my story touched both her and her husband closely as they too have experienced some of the pain as I have. I did not realize that my testimony was being shown. As I was sitting there in first service watching my testimony I had a vision of me sitting on Jesus lap as a little girl watching the ending of my story. Yes, it was the ending (it is over) and now I am in a new beginning. God has an awesome plan for me and I am looking forward to my new life.

God has shown me so much love this past year. For the first time I am realizing and feeling real love.