Love letter to self
I am reading a book by Chicken Soup for the Soul – Life Lessons for Women. One of the stories that caught my spirit was the love letter. When you think of a love letter it is a letter that we write to someone else explaining why we love him/her. In this story I am instructed to write a love letter to myself. This has taken me a week to think about how to do this and were do I begin. So, the past week I have been thinking and this is what I have come up with.
Growing up in a dysfunctional home for 18 years I was told that I was not pretty, I was fat, that I would never amount to anything, I was selfish, a bitch, whore, and a slut. What little my mom new was that I was an amazing daughter that God created. Thank goodness God has his angels around me and protect my mind from completely believing what my mom was speaking into me everyday. I did not feel pretty and I was not fat but I believe that I was because of the lie my mom spoke into me. Today I believe that I am over weight, which has been a struggle for me and this too I will conquer. My mom had it made with me. I helped take care of the house when she was absent. I took care of my brother and sister and put mom to bed when she arrived home wasted. In the mornings, I made sure that my brother and sister were awake and ready for school. Breakfast was made and lunches were packed. If we missed the bus I would make sure that we had a ride to school from someone else so that we did not disturb my mom. If she only new how many times we missed the bus, it was rare.
Comes my adult years and I am still taking care of everyone else but myself. My first marriage I did not dress up at all. I wore clothes that were bigger than me to cover me up as I felt fat. My husband did not want me to wear flattering clothes as it kept other men from looking at me. If I worked, I came straight home to attend to all his needs and he continued to ignore me. His drinking was more important along with flirting with other women.
My second marriage my husband loves it when I dressed up. He bought me clothes that made me look and feel good. However, this did not stop him from being with other women. So, what I was doing was not enough to keep him home and all to me. Therefore, I felt that I was doing something wrong again. I became a punching bag to him. I knew that this was not healthy and left this marriage too.
Third marriage – people say that 3 is the charm. Well that is so not true. My third marriage was the worst. Not only did he have a drug problem, but alcohol became an issue along with pornography. If I dressed up he would wonder who I was dressing up for. I better make sure that I do not look at anyone else. Lies consumed his mouth in order for him to keeping living the sinful life he chose and accuse me of doing all the wrong in order to make himself feel better for what he was doing wrong. I became a woman full of anger and did not understand what I was doing any more. Finally, it hit me. I am worth so much more. I deserve so much more. God has bigger plans for me and he loves me. That is all that matters is that God loves me.
Finally, enough is enough. The most important thing in life now is that I know that I am worth much, much more and that God loves me for who I am as he is the one who created me and has molded me.
My love letter to myself is this –
Amber, you are an amazing daughter of the most High King. You are a loving mother who shows the love to her boys. You are raising your boys as the precious kings God has created in them to be. You are a loving and caring friend who cares about others thoughts and feelings. You have compassion for those who are hurting and will be there for them if they want it. There is no more taking advantage of you. You have learned about healthy boundaries and know when to say no. There is a fire in you to want to know more of the love of Jesus in your life. You are beautiful both on the inside and out. You have many talents that Jesus wants you to use and not be afraid of what other people think. Speak boldly in love and truth. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. Pamper yourself as you deserve it. It is time to spread your wings my dear sister, spread wide and high. God is there with you flying by your side. No more fear!!!!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Finally move out of mom's home
*Found a lost best friend from grade school and my first love Ray comes back into my life – Amy was my best friend from the 3rd grade. We did everything together. I was so sad and so heart broken when she moved far away. Her mom made sure that we stayed in contact through out the years. However, we did loose a bit of contact and re-connected after high school. I was able to track down her phone number and find out where she was living. She only was about 1 ½ away from me. Yes, we could catch up on old times and moments that we missed in each others lives. While working at Pioneer Pies one night Ray just happened to stop in. Ray did not live in Federal Way. He still lived in Spokane Washington. I was shocked and excited at the same time. The love of my life was walking back into my life. I broke up with Ray in the 10th grade in hopes to mend my moms and I relationship. We had good moments and not such good moments. Wow, it was like a world wind having Ray show up. That week with him was so amazing. Finally, there was some one who I could talk to and tell everything too without being afraid. Mom found out that Ray was back in the picture and my world came to an end. Mom did not like it when I had boyfriends. She would encourage me to have boyfriends and yet once I had one she was the biggest witch of the north. But remember my mom was an alcoholic and if things did not go her way you were sure to know about it. I finally reached a point in my life that enough was enough from my mom. Amy had her own apartment in Skagit Valley. I was finally moving out. I was scared and yet so excited. I was finally free from the chaos my mom created everyday. I had told Ray that I was moving out and where I would be staying. Ray went back to Spokane to find us a place as he was going to come back and get me. However, Ray never returned. He never called again. Come to find out there was another girl back home that he had a relationship with. When he returned home she wanted to make things work again with him. So he did out of guilt for some reason or he says. I really believe that Ray would have never hurt me and he did. Trusting people became very hard for me as it had already been broken from my mom and the men that molested me. That was my first heart break that I had ever dealt with. There were so many blue days and so many tears shed. I pulled myself together and found a job. I was going to make a life for myself and make new friends. I did just that. I did go home on my days off to visit mom and Gary. I was making money and building a savings. One visit home my car broke down. I had a red Volkswagen Bug. I love that car. My grandparents bought me that car for graduation. Now my car was broken down, the engine was gone. I was so scared wondering what was going to happen. Thank goodness my mom was working for Toyota at that time in the warranty office. There was a mechanic who worked on older cars in his spare time. He could replace my engine for four hundred dollars. He would take a few weeks. Amy came down to pick me up so I could make some more money and once the car was fixed she brought me back to my parents to pick up my car. Finally, I had my car back and it was time for me to return to my home. Mom had already left for work and I was on my way. Driving along the freeway I am reaching the underpass of Seattle. I started to go around the corner and my car stops running. I pull off to the side in tears. A cop pulls up behind me as because I am not in a good spot. I am crying and tell him that my car is not working. I asked him if he would take me to my mom as she is not far from here. He said no, because it is not in his area. The cop said that he would have to take me down to the station and have my mom pick me up there. Oh my, the tears came on heavier and he felt sorry for me and told me to never tell anyone, he took me to my mom. My mom was scared when she saw me get out of the cops car. I told her that my car stopped working and where it was at. She had my car towed to the shop come to find out that my bearings were no good. It was going to cost me a lot more money to have fixed. I had no money for living expenses at this time and was forced to move back home. That was the last thing that I wanted to do. I now had bills that needed to be taken care of and no job. I was sitting in the waiting area for my mom to get off of work. He comes along a really cute boy to ask me if I wanted to go have lunch with him. I was really hesitant but mom encouraged it has she knew this boy and really liked him. Yes, my mom set me up. I should have known at this moment that this was not going to be good and said no to the lunch date.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
After high school
Moving to Vancouver Washington was not so bad. What turned out bad were the people around. Everyone was so rude, in a hurry, and no happiness. Mind you I had just received my drivers license before moving to Vancouver, so not much experience in driving and now in a knew town. So, yes I was one of those who drove slower trying to read the signs as I go to find the place I was going too. I did find a job at a ma and pa restaurant. It was a fun job and I loved my regular customers. Towards the end of that summer, Vancouver summer fail was here. There were so many teenagers running around and driving as if they owned the road. I had ended my shift at work and was on my way home only to be followed by a car full of teenage boys. The made me feel very nervous and scared. As I continued to drive towards home the boys kept following me. Of course I was smart enough not to drive directly home as I was not sure what was on their agenda and I did not have a cell phone at that time. Finally, they had enough following me around as I was just going in circles. I made it home safe in tears and for the first time my mom really listened to me. We ended up moving in September of 1989 to Federal Way Washington, which is after Tacoma Washington and before Seattle Washington. This move was so uneventful due to mom become so outraged. We should up in the evening so everyone was tired and frustrated at that point. Mom had to have the truck unloaded that night. We did not have anyone helping us as it was late to begin with. So of course the drinking began and our night became one anger and frustrating night. We were not at that house for very long before moving again into another home. Yes, we moved around a lot. Between my sophomore and junior year of high school we moved 11 times. Mom was not good with money so rent was not paid on time or never paid. After the second move we had just barely settle in and I wanted to go to college. Of course mom said it again that I would never amount to anything and that I would not make it in college and if I did I had to pay for it. So I found a job working at Pioneer Pies as a server. I applied at Green River Community College. Yes, I said Green River community College were all the Green River raping happened. Was I scared – yes, especially when my classes were in the evening. One evening when leaving school my heart was already beating a mile a minute walking to my car but that night the fog was so thick. I remember calling home and talking to my dad to come and pick me up. Most dads I would think would come pick up there daughter but not mine. I cried all the way home. I finished that quarter to never return.
It was coming upon Christmas time and a girl friend and I decided to go into Seattle for a drive to look at all the Christmas lights. We are down town for my first time ever. We approached a red light and I ran through it. My girlfriend says do you realize that you just ran a red light. Yes, my brakes are not working. I learned to use my emergency break real fast. We are trying to find a gas station and there is none around. We keep driving and up a hill we go, knowing that the only way down is going back down the hill. We found a gas station so I could call my dad. I called my dad to see if he could pick us up and again no was the answer. What father would allow for his daughter to drive a car that has no brakes especially in Seattle Washington, oh mine would. Wiping away the tears and hiding the fear my friend and I begin to giggle are way home. We asked for directions to the freeway from the store clerk and on our way we were.
It was coming upon Christmas time and a girl friend and I decided to go into Seattle for a drive to look at all the Christmas lights. We are down town for my first time ever. We approached a red light and I ran through it. My girlfriend says do you realize that you just ran a red light. Yes, my brakes are not working. I learned to use my emergency break real fast. We are trying to find a gas station and there is none around. We keep driving and up a hill we go, knowing that the only way down is going back down the hill. We found a gas station so I could call my dad. I called my dad to see if he could pick us up and again no was the answer. What father would allow for his daughter to drive a car that has no brakes especially in Seattle Washington, oh mine would. Wiping away the tears and hiding the fear my friend and I begin to giggle are way home. We asked for directions to the freeway from the store clerk and on our way we were.
End of high school
On my sixteenth birthday I woke up that morning to my mom still drinking and watching TV. Beer cans cover the coffee table and were stacked like a pyramid. I was so sad for my mom and yet my mom was so jealous of me. Instead of saying happy birthday she told me how jealous of me she was. Mom was jealous of the person that I was becoming, which was nothing like her. Comes my 21st birthday and mom wished that I was more like her and not such a betty-home maker. I wanted to be nothing like her.
**Finally graduation came and I made it. My mom would always tell me that I would never amount to anything. My junior year in High school, mom and Gary moved to Vancouver Washington. I did not want to go as I wanted to finish school with my friend. Thank goodness I was able to stay and live with my mom’s grandparents. Grandma was such a gem to me. After my phone calls with my mom leaving me in tears, grandma was there to consult me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. There were a few classes that I was struggling in. World Studies and English were my toughest classes. Grandma was going to make sure that I was going to pass my classes and graduate with a good GPA. Finally, I had someone who cared about me and was willing to help me out with my studies. Grandma did, she sat with me and walked me through the things that I did not understand. Also, grandma helped me out with extra credit for World Studies. In addition, my teachers believed in me too and were there to help me along as well. I took up a teacher’s aid for my World Studies teacher; I had my regular class than the teacher’s aid after that. Therefore, I received a double dose back to back in World Studies. This was a huge help for me. Yeah, the day came for mom and Gary to come for graduation. Mom had my grades sent to her friend’s house so that I would not see them until she did. When mom showed up to grandma’s I ran outside to greet her and dad. Of course I asked for my grades. Mom kept walking into the house ignoring me. Dad gave me my grades and said great job, I am so proud of you. I did it. My GPA was a 2.89. I ran into the house to show grandma, she was so proud too. Of course this made mom jealous. Mom and grandma did not have a great relationship when mom was going up. As a matter of fact grandma did leave my mom when she was young to be raised by her dad. Mom had experienced abandonment at a very young age too. The day after graduation I moved away to Vancouver Washington with my parents leaving all my friends and grandparents behind. I have not seen anyone since 1989 and it is now 2009.
Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.
**Finally graduation came and I made it. My mom would always tell me that I would never amount to anything. My junior year in High school, mom and Gary moved to Vancouver Washington. I did not want to go as I wanted to finish school with my friend. Thank goodness I was able to stay and live with my mom’s grandparents. Grandma was such a gem to me. After my phone calls with my mom leaving me in tears, grandma was there to consult me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. There were a few classes that I was struggling in. World Studies and English were my toughest classes. Grandma was going to make sure that I was going to pass my classes and graduate with a good GPA. Finally, I had someone who cared about me and was willing to help me out with my studies. Grandma did, she sat with me and walked me through the things that I did not understand. Also, grandma helped me out with extra credit for World Studies. In addition, my teachers believed in me too and were there to help me along as well. I took up a teacher’s aid for my World Studies teacher; I had my regular class than the teacher’s aid after that. Therefore, I received a double dose back to back in World Studies. This was a huge help for me. Yeah, the day came for mom and Gary to come for graduation. Mom had my grades sent to her friend’s house so that I would not see them until she did. When mom showed up to grandma’s I ran outside to greet her and dad. Of course I asked for my grades. Mom kept walking into the house ignoring me. Dad gave me my grades and said great job, I am so proud of you. I did it. My GPA was a 2.89. I ran into the house to show grandma, she was so proud too. Of course this made mom jealous. Mom and grandma did not have a great relationship when mom was going up. As a matter of fact grandma did leave my mom when she was young to be raised by her dad. Mom had experienced abandonment at a very young age too. The day after graduation I moved away to Vancouver Washington with my parents leaving all my friends and grandparents behind. I have not seen anyone since 1989 and it is now 2009.
Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.
Monday, November 16, 2009
10th grade through 12th
*Middle of 10th going into 11th grade mom had met my new stepdad Gary. This was love at first site or should I say destruction. Mom and Gary were inseparable. One time I had to track my mom down to come home and pay the power and cable bill that had been turned off. Gary did not have a land line phone and I did not know his cell number. So, I began calling mom’s friends to track her down. Once we were able to get a hold of her she was made because I had bothered her. I was really excited about this new step dad. We finally had a dad figure in the house that was nice and treated us with respect and love. Before to long, Gary started to see the ugly side of my mom. I felt so sorry for him. Gary and I had many long talks regarding mom. He stayed by her side and married her. However, the real side of Gary came through on my 21st birthday when he went to kiss me on the lips. Not a kiss that a father gives his daughter. My walls went up from him at that point never to return in that home again. At this point in my life I really felt that I am the one who is bringing this all upon myself. It wasn’t until alter in my life that I realized my mom was sick and she married sick men. I did not see my mom again until she died. They were married for 16 years. Mom passed away at the age of 55 August 30, 2005 due to her failing liver. Gary passed away about a 1 1/2yr later from a brain tumor.
Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.
Between my childhood and teen years I was surrounded by molestation, lies, physical abuse, abandonment, selfishness, drugs, verbal abuse, insecurities, fear, worries, loneliness, broken trust, mental abuse, and most of all an alcoholic home.
Monday, November 9, 2009
The beginning of my story
Here are the memories that I grew up with and live with today. Jesus is saving me each and everyday. I am a child of the most high. Here is my story
* When I was two my mom added beaten me for not eating all my oatmeal that morning. That same day I was visiting my dad’s parents (for the last time until my late 20’s). We were at my grandpa’s work (he was a car salesman). Grandpa liked to show me off (he was a proud grandpa). I was sitting on grandpa’s lap when I split my soda. I was upset and scared that I would be in trouble. My grandma took me into the bathroom to clean up. When grandma was changing my clothes she discovered a horrible sight that no one should ever see on a child. I was covered in bruises from shoulders down. Grandma was devastated. She told grandpa and they did not know what to do. My real dad was leaving for Vietnam. My grandparents never made the call. When it came time for my mom to pick me up my grandparents had a few choice words, which left them to never see me again. My Uncle Mike said that mom was always hitting me. There was never a time that he did not see me without a bruise. This was so true all the way up to me teen years.
Growing up in an alcoholic home was not a pleasant up bringing. A child should feel safe, happy, and loved. Not me. My mother did not know what the meaning of love meant except for the love she had for alcohol. My earliest memory is at age 5. We were living in Spokane Washington off of McDonalds street. I always remember the house as the McDonalds house because of the name of the street. Those memories are so dark and horrible.
Here is my story. When living in the McDonalds house I honestly can say that I do not remember one happy moment.
The time line is age 5-7.
Memories – (keep in mind that I have a younger bother and sister)
*We had a baby sitter who was male watched us many times. One time my bother and I had to play truth or dare with this babysitter. One of the dares was to eat dog food which my bother did and the other dare was for me to take off my clothes and hide in the closet – after that moment I do not remember anything. But my life was never the same again. (When I was 21 my mom told me that the babysitter had molested me)
*My grandpa had picked me up to spend time with me, which I loved spending time with my grandpa. Grandpa had bought me a pack of gum. When I arrived home I had gone outside to play with my friends. I shared my gum with my friends. So when it came time to come in my mom had asked me where my gum was and I told her that it was all gone. She did not believe. She said that I was lying and that I would be punished for lying to her. She made me eat a whole German chocolate cake and a huge bowl of quarter like candies. To this day I can not eat German chocolate cake or those quarters like candies.
*My mom was upset with me for something again and I was grounded to my room not to come out. I must have been in there for a couple of days. The day came for my bothers birthday party and I was not allowed to come out. My mom made a way for me not to open up my door. I remember when my grandpa had showed up I was looking out my window knocking for him to come and get me. I heard my mom yelling to ignore me. I remember pulling down my curtains out of anger and fear. I do not remember what happened that night once everyone had left.
*Coming home from school one day mom was in an out rage. The dogs had pooped in our kiddy swimming pool and she thought that my bother or I had done so. Of course mom did not believe us – mom never believed a word we said. So of course we had to pack our bags because we were such naught little children and we did not deserve to be with her any more. Mom was taking Shawn to juvenile detention and I was being dropped off in the woods. We drove far, far away from home. It was dark and there was a huge field with many trees. My mom stopped the car and tried to pull me out of the car. I bit her hand and moved far away in the back where she could not reach me. She said fine, we will wait to drop you off when your father gets off of work. Dean (stepdad) gets off at 11pm. My mom went to drop my brother off at juvenile detention but they would not take him because he was too young. You would have thought that the people who worked there would have asked questions as to why. It was time to pickup our stepdad. Mom told him the plan once he got into the car. We were heading home but passed the road to turn home. We stayed on the highway a few miles out until there were many trees and very dark. Stepdad pulled off the road onto a dirt road and drove back a little ways. It was so dark but I new exactly where we were. At this point I was not as scared to get out. As I remember I think that I did not put up a fight as I was going to run towards the highway for help. I was going to finally be free. Once I got out of the car I stood there and waited for them to leave. I began to run. I heard a big huge bear like sound and ran faster. Mom must have let my stepdad out of the car to scare me. Stepdad and mom saw that I was running for the highway and stopped me before I reached the road. After that everything went blank. I was not free.
*One night mom was in a huge rage and for some reason I was in trouble and the blunt end of mom’s rage. I do not remember what made mom so made but she thought that I was lying about something. For hours I was spanked with a green army belt – yes, I will never forget that green army belt. I finally realized at that moment if I would just tell my mom what she wanted to hear that I would not be punished as bad. As hard as it was I finally told her that I did what ever it was that she was so upset about and the spanking stopped.
*One day I was riding my bike out front on a beautiful sun shiny day. There was a motor cycle that came screaming down the street toward me so I turned around and peddle home as fast as I could. Once I reached the driveway the motor cycle was right behind me. I peddle through the garage into the backyard. Before I new it, the motor cycle was following me to the back yard. I got off my bike to run up the back porch and into the house for safety. My mom locked me out and would not let me in the house. I did not know what to think at that moment. There is a blank after that. There was so much fear that I do not know what happened next.
*Stepdad and mom fought all the time. There were many nights that I woke up due to them fighting. There fights consisted of yelling loud and punching one another. Most of the time we were packed up and leaving the house to stay in a hotel or at our Uncle and Aunts house.
*My mom and stepdad had mirrors above there bed. I remember these mirrors above so well. I was looking up at the mirrors when my stepdad was molesting me.
The summer before 3rd grade we finally moved. We moved to a duplex out of the valley. We now were living at Liberty Lake. This lake was so beautiful. I loved walking down to the lake to catch a breath and take in the beauty that was around me.
Time line is age 8 – 13
From time to time mom did take us to church. Church was the only place that I felt completely safe. When I was eight I remember going down to an altar call to accept Jesus for the first time. For the first time I really felt that someone really loved me and that he would save me.
*On my eighth birthday – stepdad and mom got into another huge fight. This time mom was really going to leave him. That night I learned that Dean (stepdad) was not my real father. Up until this point my bother and I were told that Dean was our father. I was devastated to learn that I had another dad. Where was he? How come I never saw him? Why did he not love me? There were so many questions that flooded my mind and at that point I was curious to know my dad.
*We moved a few more times remaining at Liberty Lake. The last house we lived in while remaining at Liberty Lake is another friend of my parents (mom and stepdad) rented a room from us. Not too long after living with us did he begin to come into my room with my parent’s right in the living room – they knew he was in there and did nothing about it. So many nights after I was able to get him off of me I would leave my bed to go sleep with my sister. My parents did nothing to stop him from coming into my room. They saw me leave my bedroom laughing as I was going up stairs to my sister’s room. This was a good enough excuse for my stepdad to keep coming in my room as my mother did nothing to stop their male friend coming into my room.
*Many drunken nights my mom would come home and I would have to get her to her room once she woke me up. Many parties were held at our house and I was the bartender – had to make sure that everyone was taken care of.
*While living in liberty lake there was this little white church that I went too. This church was the only place that I could feel safe in. Every Sunday and or church activity that I could go to I was there.
*End of eight grade I tried out for a dance team at my school. I practiced for so long. Low and behold I made the team. I was looking forward to my ninth grade year. For the first time I really felt that I belonged to something. I never got to be a part of that team. We moved again – this time back into the valley.
*9th grade year I made a bunch of new friends. The other friends that I had I felt safe around but it was not long for me to make close friends. Close enough friends who realized something bad had happened to me. I had gotten in trouble for something for which I do not remember what I did wrong. I sure do remember the punishment. My stepdad had taken a 2x2 to my butt. I was spanked 10 times with this board. The next day going to school my friends were sitting around a table as usual talking before school started. I went to sit down and tears ran down my checks because it hurt badly. My friends new that someone horrible had happened to me. It was time to go to first period. As soon as I was situated I was called down to the counselor’s office were I spent most of the day explaining what had happened the night before. For the first time I felt very scared and yet trusted completely that the system would save me and remove me from this horrible home life. Health and welfare came in to take pictures of my bum and a detective came in to talk to me about my home life. My stepdad and mom were in so much trouble. The detective had left as he was going to pick up my stepdad and talk to my mom. Health and welfare were going to also check in on my mom. By this time I finally was able to go to class. Class was not even over and I was called back down to the counselor’s office. After the detective had spoke to my mom and stepdad they were not going to do anything about what had happened to me. The system had let me down. I for sure thought that I was going to die that night. The counselor was in tears knowing that things were not going to be good for me that night. The counselor wanted to keep me for herself and protect me but she would loose her job. The counselor drove me home. When I arrived home my mom had called my grandma to keep my stepdad from killing me. I was sent to my bedroom not to come out.
*9th grade was over and summer was here. I did have a boyfriend at this time who knew about everything that had happened to me regarding my home life. Ray had been in my life as a family friend for years. We were two years apart from one another. For the first time I felt that he was the only one that truly knew me and loved me. My bother and sister had been caught for shopping lifting at a near by grocery store. I was at my boyfriends house when I should have been home watching them. Yes, I was wrong this time. My mom was at work when she received the phone call from the police. My bother had called me and told me what had happened and that mom was on her way home. When I arrived home my bother had locked me out of the house because mom had told him to. It was my fault that my bother and sister had been caught. If was home doing my job correctly watching them they would have never been at the grocery store. At this point I had, had enough being punished for the things that my bother and sister had done wrong. I ran away. My boyfriend and I went to one of his friend’s house to figure out what we were going to do. Both of us were very scared. We ended up going to Priest Lake staying in a trail for the weekend just to get away. We had told one of his sisters what was going on. That time in Priest Lake there were many tears shed and I had lost my virginity – I was only 16. Ray was my very first and true love. I knew I had done wrong but the first time I felt so safe and so loved. After a few days in Priest Lake we head back towards the Spokane Valley. When we arrived in town we stopped at his sister’s house were we hid out for a few. Ray had spoken to his parents who were very scared wanted for me to go back home. Ray was in a lot of trouble for helping me out. One night Ray and I went to the movie theaters to see a movie. Rays father had followed us there to talk to us about this situation. Ray new, that if I were to go home that I would have been hurt more than I had ever been hurt before. Ray’s dad ended up having a heart attack in the parking lot. We rushed him to the hospital. By then my parents new were I was. My mom comes in screaming what a hoer, bitch, slut, and liar I was. Thank goodness the hospital called health and welfare and the police. Because of my moms behavior I went into foster care right away. Ray’s dad was good and I was in a safe place now. Arriving at the foster home was scary because I was not sure what to expect. They tucked me into bed and talked with me a few. Before I new it the foster parents were back in the room only to awake me and get me out of bed. They found out that my parents do not live far from them so the health and welfare people picked me up to move me clear across town were my parents would have no clue where I was. The new foster mom was really nice. She really took me under her wing. For the first time ever I felt safe until other foster kids arrived. At this point I was not sure what to expect for the other foster kids. As I watched the other kids I began to diminish my home life to nothing. The other kids had it worst than me. The day was coming for me to go to court against my parents. I was going to divorce my parents. I had over heard my parents talking to my foster mom on the phone and they told her after court they would be taking me home. I loved my foster mom and were I was staying but I was not going to go back home. The night before court I packed up what I had and Ray my boyfriend came and picked me up. This time we stayed with his other sister who lived outside of the city limits in a small little town. Ray and I had many discussions on how to get me ready for school without my parents finding out were I was. As soon as my school records would be transferred they would know. Weeks had gone by always watching behind of us. One day Ray had left me for the first time to go to the store. We were staying in a single wide trailer that had a back door and a front door. I was in the back bedroom when I heard the front and back door open. Both my stepdad and grandpa were there to take me home. They grab me and put me the car before Ray could even get back in time to save me. I will never forget that ride home. My stepdad blamed my mom for everything. Told me how much my mom could not stand me and that she made him do all the horrible things to me. When we arrived home I was told that I could never talk or see Ray again.
*10 grade year – I was starting high school and so scared. I began to write Ray letters and he did pick me up on lunch breaks from school. There were some classes that I missed because Ray had not brought me back in time. We talked so much and he wondered every time if that would be the last time that he saw me. My mom was horrible – nothing new there. In my letters to Ray I wrote everything that was going on at home and what a horrible person my mom was. One day coming home from school my mom came at me when I walked through the front door. She had found one of my letters to Ray talking about her. My mom said that I was a bitch and a slut. She could not deal with me any longer and she was going to send me to a girl’s home back in Texas far, far away from Ray. There was a lot of yelling going. We were upstairs and my grandma was yelling at me as well. I remember being at the top of the stairs and my grandma went to push me down the stairs. I screamed and grabbed her arm to stop me from going backwards down the stairs. Thank goodness she grabbed the wall and neither of us went down the stairs. At this time my grandma packed me up and I went to stay with her until my mom cooled down. My mom and grandma thought that counseling would be good. Finally, someone will listen to me and help me. I do not remember what I said in that first counseling session but there must have been enough for me to say that my mom did not want me to go back. Again, my mom was in trouble. However, nothing every came of that counseling session and was left to live with this crazy women.
*My 10 grade year was hard. There was so much turmoil going on. I was never allowed to go anywhere nor talk on the phone. If a boy called me my mom would call me a slut. I slept with only one - Ray. I did not like other people touching me. The only things that boys/men were interested in were boobs and sex. That was not my thing. I felt violated when boys would talk about my boobs. I was a child who dealt with many years of molestation. I did not trust boys or men. So my mom was so far off when she called me a slut. The sad thing is that my mom did not know me at all. She never took the time to know my feelings or what was happening to me under the same roof that we shared. Or maybe she did and she blames me for being molested. I never told my mom until that summer end of 10th grade. Dean had come into my room naked for the last time. As soon as he crawled into my bed and fell asleep I crawled out and slept on the couch. The next morning when he woke up coming out of my room and he rubbed the top of my head asking me why I was on the couch? Seriously, you have to ask? Mom and Dean separated not too long after that. Mom was lost and confused even more. She could not stop seeing Dean but thank God they never did get back together. Mom did divorce him and became more reliant on me. I became the mom and she was the daughter.
* When I was two my mom added beaten me for not eating all my oatmeal that morning. That same day I was visiting my dad’s parents (for the last time until my late 20’s). We were at my grandpa’s work (he was a car salesman). Grandpa liked to show me off (he was a proud grandpa). I was sitting on grandpa’s lap when I split my soda. I was upset and scared that I would be in trouble. My grandma took me into the bathroom to clean up. When grandma was changing my clothes she discovered a horrible sight that no one should ever see on a child. I was covered in bruises from shoulders down. Grandma was devastated. She told grandpa and they did not know what to do. My real dad was leaving for Vietnam. My grandparents never made the call. When it came time for my mom to pick me up my grandparents had a few choice words, which left them to never see me again. My Uncle Mike said that mom was always hitting me. There was never a time that he did not see me without a bruise. This was so true all the way up to me teen years.
Growing up in an alcoholic home was not a pleasant up bringing. A child should feel safe, happy, and loved. Not me. My mother did not know what the meaning of love meant except for the love she had for alcohol. My earliest memory is at age 5. We were living in Spokane Washington off of McDonalds street. I always remember the house as the McDonalds house because of the name of the street. Those memories are so dark and horrible.
Here is my story. When living in the McDonalds house I honestly can say that I do not remember one happy moment.
The time line is age 5-7.
Memories – (keep in mind that I have a younger bother and sister)
*We had a baby sitter who was male watched us many times. One time my bother and I had to play truth or dare with this babysitter. One of the dares was to eat dog food which my bother did and the other dare was for me to take off my clothes and hide in the closet – after that moment I do not remember anything. But my life was never the same again. (When I was 21 my mom told me that the babysitter had molested me)
*My grandpa had picked me up to spend time with me, which I loved spending time with my grandpa. Grandpa had bought me a pack of gum. When I arrived home I had gone outside to play with my friends. I shared my gum with my friends. So when it came time to come in my mom had asked me where my gum was and I told her that it was all gone. She did not believe. She said that I was lying and that I would be punished for lying to her. She made me eat a whole German chocolate cake and a huge bowl of quarter like candies. To this day I can not eat German chocolate cake or those quarters like candies.
*My mom was upset with me for something again and I was grounded to my room not to come out. I must have been in there for a couple of days. The day came for my bothers birthday party and I was not allowed to come out. My mom made a way for me not to open up my door. I remember when my grandpa had showed up I was looking out my window knocking for him to come and get me. I heard my mom yelling to ignore me. I remember pulling down my curtains out of anger and fear. I do not remember what happened that night once everyone had left.
*Coming home from school one day mom was in an out rage. The dogs had pooped in our kiddy swimming pool and she thought that my bother or I had done so. Of course mom did not believe us – mom never believed a word we said. So of course we had to pack our bags because we were such naught little children and we did not deserve to be with her any more. Mom was taking Shawn to juvenile detention and I was being dropped off in the woods. We drove far, far away from home. It was dark and there was a huge field with many trees. My mom stopped the car and tried to pull me out of the car. I bit her hand and moved far away in the back where she could not reach me. She said fine, we will wait to drop you off when your father gets off of work. Dean (stepdad) gets off at 11pm. My mom went to drop my brother off at juvenile detention but they would not take him because he was too young. You would have thought that the people who worked there would have asked questions as to why. It was time to pickup our stepdad. Mom told him the plan once he got into the car. We were heading home but passed the road to turn home. We stayed on the highway a few miles out until there were many trees and very dark. Stepdad pulled off the road onto a dirt road and drove back a little ways. It was so dark but I new exactly where we were. At this point I was not as scared to get out. As I remember I think that I did not put up a fight as I was going to run towards the highway for help. I was going to finally be free. Once I got out of the car I stood there and waited for them to leave. I began to run. I heard a big huge bear like sound and ran faster. Mom must have let my stepdad out of the car to scare me. Stepdad and mom saw that I was running for the highway and stopped me before I reached the road. After that everything went blank. I was not free.
*One night mom was in a huge rage and for some reason I was in trouble and the blunt end of mom’s rage. I do not remember what made mom so made but she thought that I was lying about something. For hours I was spanked with a green army belt – yes, I will never forget that green army belt. I finally realized at that moment if I would just tell my mom what she wanted to hear that I would not be punished as bad. As hard as it was I finally told her that I did what ever it was that she was so upset about and the spanking stopped.
*One day I was riding my bike out front on a beautiful sun shiny day. There was a motor cycle that came screaming down the street toward me so I turned around and peddle home as fast as I could. Once I reached the driveway the motor cycle was right behind me. I peddle through the garage into the backyard. Before I new it, the motor cycle was following me to the back yard. I got off my bike to run up the back porch and into the house for safety. My mom locked me out and would not let me in the house. I did not know what to think at that moment. There is a blank after that. There was so much fear that I do not know what happened next.
*Stepdad and mom fought all the time. There were many nights that I woke up due to them fighting. There fights consisted of yelling loud and punching one another. Most of the time we were packed up and leaving the house to stay in a hotel or at our Uncle and Aunts house.
*My mom and stepdad had mirrors above there bed. I remember these mirrors above so well. I was looking up at the mirrors when my stepdad was molesting me.
The summer before 3rd grade we finally moved. We moved to a duplex out of the valley. We now were living at Liberty Lake. This lake was so beautiful. I loved walking down to the lake to catch a breath and take in the beauty that was around me.
Time line is age 8 – 13
From time to time mom did take us to church. Church was the only place that I felt completely safe. When I was eight I remember going down to an altar call to accept Jesus for the first time. For the first time I really felt that someone really loved me and that he would save me.
*On my eighth birthday – stepdad and mom got into another huge fight. This time mom was really going to leave him. That night I learned that Dean (stepdad) was not my real father. Up until this point my bother and I were told that Dean was our father. I was devastated to learn that I had another dad. Where was he? How come I never saw him? Why did he not love me? There were so many questions that flooded my mind and at that point I was curious to know my dad.
*We moved a few more times remaining at Liberty Lake. The last house we lived in while remaining at Liberty Lake is another friend of my parents (mom and stepdad) rented a room from us. Not too long after living with us did he begin to come into my room with my parent’s right in the living room – they knew he was in there and did nothing about it. So many nights after I was able to get him off of me I would leave my bed to go sleep with my sister. My parents did nothing to stop him from coming into my room. They saw me leave my bedroom laughing as I was going up stairs to my sister’s room. This was a good enough excuse for my stepdad to keep coming in my room as my mother did nothing to stop their male friend coming into my room.
*Many drunken nights my mom would come home and I would have to get her to her room once she woke me up. Many parties were held at our house and I was the bartender – had to make sure that everyone was taken care of.
*While living in liberty lake there was this little white church that I went too. This church was the only place that I could feel safe in. Every Sunday and or church activity that I could go to I was there.
*End of eight grade I tried out for a dance team at my school. I practiced for so long. Low and behold I made the team. I was looking forward to my ninth grade year. For the first time I really felt that I belonged to something. I never got to be a part of that team. We moved again – this time back into the valley.
*9th grade year I made a bunch of new friends. The other friends that I had I felt safe around but it was not long for me to make close friends. Close enough friends who realized something bad had happened to me. I had gotten in trouble for something for which I do not remember what I did wrong. I sure do remember the punishment. My stepdad had taken a 2x2 to my butt. I was spanked 10 times with this board. The next day going to school my friends were sitting around a table as usual talking before school started. I went to sit down and tears ran down my checks because it hurt badly. My friends new that someone horrible had happened to me. It was time to go to first period. As soon as I was situated I was called down to the counselor’s office were I spent most of the day explaining what had happened the night before. For the first time I felt very scared and yet trusted completely that the system would save me and remove me from this horrible home life. Health and welfare came in to take pictures of my bum and a detective came in to talk to me about my home life. My stepdad and mom were in so much trouble. The detective had left as he was going to pick up my stepdad and talk to my mom. Health and welfare were going to also check in on my mom. By this time I finally was able to go to class. Class was not even over and I was called back down to the counselor’s office. After the detective had spoke to my mom and stepdad they were not going to do anything about what had happened to me. The system had let me down. I for sure thought that I was going to die that night. The counselor was in tears knowing that things were not going to be good for me that night. The counselor wanted to keep me for herself and protect me but she would loose her job. The counselor drove me home. When I arrived home my mom had called my grandma to keep my stepdad from killing me. I was sent to my bedroom not to come out.
*9th grade was over and summer was here. I did have a boyfriend at this time who knew about everything that had happened to me regarding my home life. Ray had been in my life as a family friend for years. We were two years apart from one another. For the first time I felt that he was the only one that truly knew me and loved me. My bother and sister had been caught for shopping lifting at a near by grocery store. I was at my boyfriends house when I should have been home watching them. Yes, I was wrong this time. My mom was at work when she received the phone call from the police. My bother had called me and told me what had happened and that mom was on her way home. When I arrived home my bother had locked me out of the house because mom had told him to. It was my fault that my bother and sister had been caught. If was home doing my job correctly watching them they would have never been at the grocery store. At this point I had, had enough being punished for the things that my bother and sister had done wrong. I ran away. My boyfriend and I went to one of his friend’s house to figure out what we were going to do. Both of us were very scared. We ended up going to Priest Lake staying in a trail for the weekend just to get away. We had told one of his sisters what was going on. That time in Priest Lake there were many tears shed and I had lost my virginity – I was only 16. Ray was my very first and true love. I knew I had done wrong but the first time I felt so safe and so loved. After a few days in Priest Lake we head back towards the Spokane Valley. When we arrived in town we stopped at his sister’s house were we hid out for a few. Ray had spoken to his parents who were very scared wanted for me to go back home. Ray was in a lot of trouble for helping me out. One night Ray and I went to the movie theaters to see a movie. Rays father had followed us there to talk to us about this situation. Ray new, that if I were to go home that I would have been hurt more than I had ever been hurt before. Ray’s dad ended up having a heart attack in the parking lot. We rushed him to the hospital. By then my parents new were I was. My mom comes in screaming what a hoer, bitch, slut, and liar I was. Thank goodness the hospital called health and welfare and the police. Because of my moms behavior I went into foster care right away. Ray’s dad was good and I was in a safe place now. Arriving at the foster home was scary because I was not sure what to expect. They tucked me into bed and talked with me a few. Before I new it the foster parents were back in the room only to awake me and get me out of bed. They found out that my parents do not live far from them so the health and welfare people picked me up to move me clear across town were my parents would have no clue where I was. The new foster mom was really nice. She really took me under her wing. For the first time ever I felt safe until other foster kids arrived. At this point I was not sure what to expect for the other foster kids. As I watched the other kids I began to diminish my home life to nothing. The other kids had it worst than me. The day was coming for me to go to court against my parents. I was going to divorce my parents. I had over heard my parents talking to my foster mom on the phone and they told her after court they would be taking me home. I loved my foster mom and were I was staying but I was not going to go back home. The night before court I packed up what I had and Ray my boyfriend came and picked me up. This time we stayed with his other sister who lived outside of the city limits in a small little town. Ray and I had many discussions on how to get me ready for school without my parents finding out were I was. As soon as my school records would be transferred they would know. Weeks had gone by always watching behind of us. One day Ray had left me for the first time to go to the store. We were staying in a single wide trailer that had a back door and a front door. I was in the back bedroom when I heard the front and back door open. Both my stepdad and grandpa were there to take me home. They grab me and put me the car before Ray could even get back in time to save me. I will never forget that ride home. My stepdad blamed my mom for everything. Told me how much my mom could not stand me and that she made him do all the horrible things to me. When we arrived home I was told that I could never talk or see Ray again.
*10 grade year – I was starting high school and so scared. I began to write Ray letters and he did pick me up on lunch breaks from school. There were some classes that I missed because Ray had not brought me back in time. We talked so much and he wondered every time if that would be the last time that he saw me. My mom was horrible – nothing new there. In my letters to Ray I wrote everything that was going on at home and what a horrible person my mom was. One day coming home from school my mom came at me when I walked through the front door. She had found one of my letters to Ray talking about her. My mom said that I was a bitch and a slut. She could not deal with me any longer and she was going to send me to a girl’s home back in Texas far, far away from Ray. There was a lot of yelling going. We were upstairs and my grandma was yelling at me as well. I remember being at the top of the stairs and my grandma went to push me down the stairs. I screamed and grabbed her arm to stop me from going backwards down the stairs. Thank goodness she grabbed the wall and neither of us went down the stairs. At this time my grandma packed me up and I went to stay with her until my mom cooled down. My mom and grandma thought that counseling would be good. Finally, someone will listen to me and help me. I do not remember what I said in that first counseling session but there must have been enough for me to say that my mom did not want me to go back. Again, my mom was in trouble. However, nothing every came of that counseling session and was left to live with this crazy women.
*My 10 grade year was hard. There was so much turmoil going on. I was never allowed to go anywhere nor talk on the phone. If a boy called me my mom would call me a slut. I slept with only one - Ray. I did not like other people touching me. The only things that boys/men were interested in were boobs and sex. That was not my thing. I felt violated when boys would talk about my boobs. I was a child who dealt with many years of molestation. I did not trust boys or men. So my mom was so far off when she called me a slut. The sad thing is that my mom did not know me at all. She never took the time to know my feelings or what was happening to me under the same roof that we shared. Or maybe she did and she blames me for being molested. I never told my mom until that summer end of 10th grade. Dean had come into my room naked for the last time. As soon as he crawled into my bed and fell asleep I crawled out and slept on the couch. The next morning when he woke up coming out of my room and he rubbed the top of my head asking me why I was on the couch? Seriously, you have to ask? Mom and Dean separated not too long after that. Mom was lost and confused even more. She could not stop seeing Dean but thank God they never did get back together. Mom did divorce him and became more reliant on me. I became the mom and she was the daughter.
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