The beginning of my story

Here are the memories that I grew up with and live with today. Jesus is saving me each and everyday. I am a child of the most high. Here is my story

* When I was two my mom added beaten me for not eating all my oatmeal that morning. That same day I was visiting my dad’s parents (for the last time until my late 20’s). We were at my grandpa’s work (he was a car salesman). Grandpa liked to show me off (he was a proud grandpa). I was sitting on grandpa’s lap when I split my soda. I was upset and scared that I would be in trouble. My grandma took me into the bathroom to clean up. When grandma was changing my clothes she discovered a horrible sight that no one should ever see on a child. I was covered in bruises from shoulders down. Grandma was devastated. She told grandpa and they did not know what to do. My real dad was leaving for Vietnam. My grandparents never made the call. When it came time for my mom to pick me up my grandparents had a few choice words, which left them to never see me again. My Uncle Mike said that mom was always hitting me. There was never a time that he did not see me without a bruise. This was so true all the way up to me teen years.

Growing up in an alcoholic home was not a pleasant up bringing. A child should feel safe, happy, and loved. Not me. My mother did not know what the meaning of love meant except for the love she had for alcohol. My earliest memory is at age 5. We were living in Spokane Washington off of McDonalds street. I always remember the house as the McDonalds house because of the name of the street. Those memories are so dark and horrible.

Here is my story. When living in the McDonalds house I honestly can say that I do not remember one happy moment.

The time line is age 5-7.

Memories – (keep in mind that I have a younger bother and sister)

*We had a baby sitter who was male watched us many times. One time my bother and I had to play truth or dare with this babysitter. One of the dares was to eat dog food which my bother did and the other dare was for me to take off my clothes and hide in the closet – after that moment I do not remember anything. But my life was never the same again. (When I was 21 my mom told me that the babysitter had molested me)

*My grandpa had picked me up to spend time with me, which I loved spending time with my grandpa. Grandpa had bought me a pack of gum. When I arrived home I had gone outside to play with my friends. I shared my gum with my friends. So when it came time to come in my mom had asked me where my gum was and I told her that it was all gone. She did not believe. She said that I was lying and that I would be punished for lying to her. She made me eat a whole German chocolate cake and a huge bowl of quarter like candies. To this day I can not eat German chocolate cake or those quarters like candies.

*My mom was upset with me for something again and I was grounded to my room not to come out. I must have been in there for a couple of days. The day came for my bothers birthday party and I was not allowed to come out. My mom made a way for me not to open up my door. I remember when my grandpa had showed up I was looking out my window knocking for him to come and get me. I heard my mom yelling to ignore me. I remember pulling down my curtains out of anger and fear. I do not remember what happened that night once everyone had left.

*Coming home from school one day mom was in an out rage. The dogs had pooped in our kiddy swimming pool and she thought that my bother or I had done so. Of course mom did not believe us – mom never believed a word we said. So of course we had to pack our bags because we were such naught little children and we did not deserve to be with her any more. Mom was taking Shawn to juvenile detention and I was being dropped off in the woods. We drove far, far away from home. It was dark and there was a huge field with many trees. My mom stopped the car and tried to pull me out of the car. I bit her hand and moved far away in the back where she could not reach me. She said fine, we will wait to drop you off when your father gets off of work. Dean (stepdad) gets off at 11pm. My mom went to drop my brother off at juvenile detention but they would not take him because he was too young. You would have thought that the people who worked there would have asked questions as to why. It was time to pickup our stepdad. Mom told him the plan once he got into the car. We were heading home but passed the road to turn home. We stayed on the highway a few miles out until there were many trees and very dark. Stepdad pulled off the road onto a dirt road and drove back a little ways. It was so dark but I new exactly where we were. At this point I was not as scared to get out. As I remember I think that I did not put up a fight as I was going to run towards the highway for help. I was going to finally be free. Once I got out of the car I stood there and waited for them to leave. I began to run. I heard a big huge bear like sound and ran faster. Mom must have let my stepdad out of the car to scare me. Stepdad and mom saw that I was running for the highway and stopped me before I reached the road. After that everything went blank. I was not free.

*One night mom was in a huge rage and for some reason I was in trouble and the blunt end of mom’s rage. I do not remember what made mom so made but she thought that I was lying about something. For hours I was spanked with a green army belt – yes, I will never forget that green army belt. I finally realized at that moment if I would just tell my mom what she wanted to hear that I would not be punished as bad. As hard as it was I finally told her that I did what ever it was that she was so upset about and the spanking stopped.

*One day I was riding my bike out front on a beautiful sun shiny day. There was a motor cycle that came screaming down the street toward me so I turned around and peddle home as fast as I could. Once I reached the driveway the motor cycle was right behind me. I peddle through the garage into the backyard. Before I new it, the motor cycle was following me to the back yard. I got off my bike to run up the back porch and into the house for safety. My mom locked me out and would not let me in the house. I did not know what to think at that moment. There is a blank after that. There was so much fear that I do not know what happened next.

*Stepdad and mom fought all the time. There were many nights that I woke up due to them fighting. There fights consisted of yelling loud and punching one another. Most of the time we were packed up and leaving the house to stay in a hotel or at our Uncle and Aunts house.

*My mom and stepdad had mirrors above there bed. I remember these mirrors above so well. I was looking up at the mirrors when my stepdad was molesting me.

The summer before 3rd grade we finally moved. We moved to a duplex out of the valley. We now were living at Liberty Lake. This lake was so beautiful. I loved walking down to the lake to catch a breath and take in the beauty that was around me.

Time line is age 8 – 13

From time to time mom did take us to church. Church was the only place that I felt completely safe. When I was eight I remember going down to an altar call to accept Jesus for the first time. For the first time I really felt that someone really loved me and that he would save me.

*On my eighth birthday – stepdad and mom got into another huge fight. This time mom was really going to leave him. That night I learned that Dean (stepdad) was not my real father. Up until this point my bother and I were told that Dean was our father. I was devastated to learn that I had another dad. Where was he? How come I never saw him? Why did he not love me? There were so many questions that flooded my mind and at that point I was curious to know my dad.

*We moved a few more times remaining at Liberty Lake. The last house we lived in while remaining at Liberty Lake is another friend of my parents (mom and stepdad) rented a room from us. Not too long after living with us did he begin to come into my room with my parent’s right in the living room – they knew he was in there and did nothing about it. So many nights after I was able to get him off of me I would leave my bed to go sleep with my sister. My parents did nothing to stop him from coming into my room. They saw me leave my bedroom laughing as I was going up stairs to my sister’s room. This was a good enough excuse for my stepdad to keep coming in my room as my mother did nothing to stop their male friend coming into my room.

*Many drunken nights my mom would come home and I would have to get her to her room once she woke me up. Many parties were held at our house and I was the bartender – had to make sure that everyone was taken care of.

*While living in liberty lake there was this little white church that I went too. This church was the only place that I could feel safe in. Every Sunday and or church activity that I could go to I was there.

*End of eight grade I tried out for a dance team at my school. I practiced for so long. Low and behold I made the team. I was looking forward to my ninth grade year. For the first time I really felt that I belonged to something. I never got to be a part of that team. We moved again – this time back into the valley.

*9th grade year I made a bunch of new friends. The other friends that I had I felt safe around but it was not long for me to make close friends. Close enough friends who realized something bad had happened to me. I had gotten in trouble for something for which I do not remember what I did wrong. I sure do remember the punishment. My stepdad had taken a 2x2 to my butt. I was spanked 10 times with this board. The next day going to school my friends were sitting around a table as usual talking before school started. I went to sit down and tears ran down my checks because it hurt badly. My friends new that someone horrible had happened to me. It was time to go to first period. As soon as I was situated I was called down to the counselor’s office were I spent most of the day explaining what had happened the night before. For the first time I felt very scared and yet trusted completely that the system would save me and remove me from this horrible home life. Health and welfare came in to take pictures of my bum and a detective came in to talk to me about my home life. My stepdad and mom were in so much trouble. The detective had left as he was going to pick up my stepdad and talk to my mom. Health and welfare were going to also check in on my mom. By this time I finally was able to go to class. Class was not even over and I was called back down to the counselor’s office. After the detective had spoke to my mom and stepdad they were not going to do anything about what had happened to me. The system had let me down. I for sure thought that I was going to die that night. The counselor was in tears knowing that things were not going to be good for me that night. The counselor wanted to keep me for herself and protect me but she would loose her job. The counselor drove me home. When I arrived home my mom had called my grandma to keep my stepdad from killing me. I was sent to my bedroom not to come out.

*9th grade was over and summer was here. I did have a boyfriend at this time who knew about everything that had happened to me regarding my home life. Ray had been in my life as a family friend for years. We were two years apart from one another. For the first time I felt that he was the only one that truly knew me and loved me. My bother and sister had been caught for shopping lifting at a near by grocery store. I was at my boyfriends house when I should have been home watching them. Yes, I was wrong this time. My mom was at work when she received the phone call from the police. My bother had called me and told me what had happened and that mom was on her way home. When I arrived home my bother had locked me out of the house because mom had told him to. It was my fault that my bother and sister had been caught. If was home doing my job correctly watching them they would have never been at the grocery store. At this point I had, had enough being punished for the things that my bother and sister had done wrong. I ran away. My boyfriend and I went to one of his friend’s house to figure out what we were going to do. Both of us were very scared. We ended up going to Priest Lake staying in a trail for the weekend just to get away. We had told one of his sisters what was going on. That time in Priest Lake there were many tears shed and I had lost my virginity – I was only 16. Ray was my very first and true love. I knew I had done wrong but the first time I felt so safe and so loved. After a few days in Priest Lake we head back towards the Spokane Valley. When we arrived in town we stopped at his sister’s house were we hid out for a few. Ray had spoken to his parents who were very scared wanted for me to go back home. Ray was in a lot of trouble for helping me out. One night Ray and I went to the movie theaters to see a movie. Rays father had followed us there to talk to us about this situation. Ray new, that if I were to go home that I would have been hurt more than I had ever been hurt before. Ray’s dad ended up having a heart attack in the parking lot. We rushed him to the hospital. By then my parents new were I was. My mom comes in screaming what a hoer, bitch, slut, and liar I was. Thank goodness the hospital called health and welfare and the police. Because of my moms behavior I went into foster care right away. Ray’s dad was good and I was in a safe place now. Arriving at the foster home was scary because I was not sure what to expect. They tucked me into bed and talked with me a few. Before I new it the foster parents were back in the room only to awake me and get me out of bed. They found out that my parents do not live far from them so the health and welfare people picked me up to move me clear across town were my parents would have no clue where I was. The new foster mom was really nice. She really took me under her wing. For the first time ever I felt safe until other foster kids arrived. At this point I was not sure what to expect for the other foster kids. As I watched the other kids I began to diminish my home life to nothing. The other kids had it worst than me. The day was coming for me to go to court against my parents. I was going to divorce my parents. I had over heard my parents talking to my foster mom on the phone and they told her after court they would be taking me home. I loved my foster mom and were I was staying but I was not going to go back home. The night before court I packed up what I had and Ray my boyfriend came and picked me up. This time we stayed with his other sister who lived outside of the city limits in a small little town. Ray and I had many discussions on how to get me ready for school without my parents finding out were I was. As soon as my school records would be transferred they would know. Weeks had gone by always watching behind of us. One day Ray had left me for the first time to go to the store. We were staying in a single wide trailer that had a back door and a front door. I was in the back bedroom when I heard the front and back door open. Both my stepdad and grandpa were there to take me home. They grab me and put me the car before Ray could even get back in time to save me. I will never forget that ride home. My stepdad blamed my mom for everything. Told me how much my mom could not stand me and that she made him do all the horrible things to me. When we arrived home I was told that I could never talk or see Ray again.

*10 grade year – I was starting high school and so scared. I began to write Ray letters and he did pick me up on lunch breaks from school. There were some classes that I missed because Ray had not brought me back in time. We talked so much and he wondered every time if that would be the last time that he saw me. My mom was horrible – nothing new there. In my letters to Ray I wrote everything that was going on at home and what a horrible person my mom was. One day coming home from school my mom came at me when I walked through the front door. She had found one of my letters to Ray talking about her. My mom said that I was a bitch and a slut. She could not deal with me any longer and she was going to send me to a girl’s home back in Texas far, far away from Ray. There was a lot of yelling going. We were upstairs and my grandma was yelling at me as well. I remember being at the top of the stairs and my grandma went to push me down the stairs. I screamed and grabbed her arm to stop me from going backwards down the stairs. Thank goodness she grabbed the wall and neither of us went down the stairs. At this time my grandma packed me up and I went to stay with her until my mom cooled down. My mom and grandma thought that counseling would be good. Finally, someone will listen to me and help me. I do not remember what I said in that first counseling session but there must have been enough for me to say that my mom did not want me to go back. Again, my mom was in trouble. However, nothing every came of that counseling session and was left to live with this crazy women.

*My 10 grade year was hard. There was so much turmoil going on. I was never allowed to go anywhere nor talk on the phone. If a boy called me my mom would call me a slut. I slept with only one - Ray. I did not like other people touching me. The only things that boys/men were interested in were boobs and sex. That was not my thing. I felt violated when boys would talk about my boobs. I was a child who dealt with many years of molestation. I did not trust boys or men. So my mom was so far off when she called me a slut. The sad thing is that my mom did not know me at all. She never took the time to know my feelings or what was happening to me under the same roof that we shared. Or maybe she did and she blames me for being molested. I never told my mom until that summer end of 10th grade. Dean had come into my room naked for the last time. As soon as he crawled into my bed and fell asleep I crawled out and slept on the couch. The next morning when he woke up coming out of my room and he rubbed the top of my head asking me why I was on the couch? Seriously, you have to ask? Mom and Dean separated not too long after that. Mom was lost and confused even more. She could not stop seeing Dean but thank God they never did get back together. Mom did divorce him and became more reliant on me. I became the mom and she was the daughter.